I act like Pacman at parties.
I walk around the room eating everything in site and avoiding everyone.
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If I had a bodyguard, I’m pretty sure he’d just spend most of his time sighing and saying “Don’t eat that…”
Directions on tooth whitener say avoid coffee, red wine and cola. If I could do that, why would I need whitener?
Them: The children are our future.
The children: [can’t figure out how the mute button works]
*death metal voice*
BUTTERRRRRR
My son eating a radish for the first time, “It tastes like angry celery. Just why.”
*aggressively pronounces luncheon like lunch-ee-own*
Tried eucalyptus oil in my bath and I don’t know about stress relief, but I think all the koalas will find me irresistible.
I can tell exactly how much someone weighs by how much noise they make when I push them down the stairs.
Just realized I follow Barack Obama and he follows me back. Excuse me while I send the leader of the free world a DM about Harry Potter.
Doctor: you have to stop eating pizza
Me: but why?
Doctor: bc I need to examine you
Shopping for chicken breasts at the grocery store
Price: $7.04
“No way”
Price: $6.94
“Now we’re talking”
Why is fried chicken the only food we can buy by the bucket?
[being eaten alive by cannibals]
cannibal: is he… joining in?
[god creating worms]
WORM: Alright I’m a snake!
GOD: Well, no you—
WORM: I’m a snake hissss. Am I venomous?
GOD: *patting worm’s head* Sure buddy
I got up and made the bed today like someone who wasn’t going to get right back in and take a nap
I’m tired of dating. The first person to show up at my apartment with a domesticated raccoon & a lasagna can have my hand in marriage or a friendly fist bump, if they prefer.
Holy shit, I just saw my ex sister in-law get punched in the face eleven times with my fist!
You see two puppies.
“Awwwww!”
But they’re cannibal puppies!
“Ahhhhhhh!”
One puppy eats the other!
“Ewwwww!”
Then he takes a nap.
“Awwwww!”
“Please bear with me” and “please bare with me” are two very different requests
She was REALLY feeling it.
Offered my daughter $30.00 to help me get the house clean for our bbq tomorrow.
She hired her younger brothers for $5 each to do her work.
🤦🏻♀️
I can only please one person a day, and i already pleased myself this morning.. so y’all are screwed!
“I’m the world champion of hearing,” I lied to the girl at the bar. 20 minutes later the real world champion burst in and hit me in the jaw
INVENTOR: it’s a machine that washes dishes
BOSS: what should we call it
GUY WHO NAMED THE FIREPLACE: i have an idea
*wife is out of town*
Do I dare leave the toilet seat up?
*looks around and shrugs*
Screw it. This is my house.
*falls into toilet at 3AM*
The worst words a parent can hear: I’m not tired
I eat my sandwich over a piece of bread, so when stuff falls out…BOOM! another sandwich.
Friend w/o kids: I’m planning a meditation retreat next month.
Me: One of my kids has been shaking a metal tin full of coins FOR AN HOUR.
[Describing guy who just mugged me to sketch artist]
“He was literally kermit the frog”
Dr: What are some of your hobbies?
“I like correcting factual inaccuracies in women’s jokes on Twitter”
Dr: (writing) Not sexually active.