I added someone as a friend 2 years ago but they haven’t responded. They must be really busy.
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ALADDIN: I can show you the world
ME: I’ve seen enough
2020 feels like trying to jog while both of your feet are asleep.
I’ve had like 6 red bulls, so of course I’m vacuuming the front yard.
The clowns I hire always seem surprised to find I’m the only party guest.
To cut a long story short, play your audiobook on triple speed.
The fact that there ain’t no rest for the wicked is probably why I’m always so tired
I wonder if Houdini ever locked himself out of the house.
Here we go again. #MAsnow ❄️
The fact that Mitt Romney opted to see Twilight instead of Lincoln this weekend probably sums up what his presidency would’ve been like.
The only time your man will surprise you is when you specifically tell him what you want.
a group of ocelots is called an awfelot
*tries to take off date’s bra*
If you-
*tries again*
If-
*again*
If you would take off the hulk gloves this would be easier
*looks up*
NEVER
A grilled cheese sandwich has never sent mixed signals, just saying
Friend: That was the exit. Did you see the sign?
Me: I saw the sign
F: …
Me: And it opened up my eyes
F: Oh no.
Me: I SAWW THE SIIIGNNN
I couldn’t find a bowl so Flora is drinking from a margarita glass
I would love my job so much more if I didn’t have to hide my flask.
ME: It’s like The Goonies meets E.T. meets The X Files.
FRIEND: You talking about Stranger Things?
ME: [hiding my screenplay, The Goonet Files, behind my back] Totally. Yeah.
Them: what is dumbest thing you have done?
Me: you mean like today?
*God invents corgis*
God: what ingredients do we have left
Angel: uh, a meatloaf and some pig feet
God: lol check this out
Corona-na-na-na-na Corona-na-na-na-na MASK MAAAAAN
i haven’t put on any weight i don’t know what you’re talking about
My daughter showed me a shirt at Target and I asked where the rest of it was; my transformation into my father is complete
[giving eulogy for friend i let borrow my jacket] ill tell you what i miss most
Sorry babe, I have to cancel our date tonight. I joined a 50’s gang and I need to go to snapping practice.
Me: what kind of birthday cake do you want?
7: I want a big Star Wars cake with blue frosting at the top and green frosting at the bottom, little stars all over, a baby yoda on top and when you cut it open, M&M’s flow out like a waterfall.
Me: I meant chocolate or vanilla.
Your baby might be adorable, but so is my cat and she cleans her own butt.
The song said “Everybody Wang Chung” and apparently, I’m the only one who can follow directions in the produce section of this grocery store
hellofresh sends me more texts than my boyfriend.
BREAKING: Girls go to college to get more knowledge. Boys go to Jupiter to get more stupider. Boys killed instantly by lack of oxygen.
I wish I was poplar. No, that’s not a typo. I wish I was a tree.