I added someone as a friend 2 years ago but they haven’t responded. They must be really busy.
You Might Also Like
If I had an hour to live I’d spend it on a treadmill because every minute feels like an eternity and at the end I’d be happy to die
Just tracked down a student to ask where his amazing looking sandwich was from and he didn’t know. How is this possible.
[phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u?
ME: Well…u know that shop where u saw that ring you love
W: OMG YES
M: I’m catching Pokemon near there
Why are bridges so flammable.
you could tell me any fact about how dangerous animals are in australia and I’d believe you. they got vampire bees? of course they do. dogs don’t need a permit to carry a gun? I won’t even google it.
My husband just reminded me that we have fish sticks which is awesome because I was worried I didn’t have anything to pack my kids for lunch that they wouldn’t eat
8yo: Is it okay if Dylan comes over?
Me: Is he the one with the PS4?
8: Yes.
Me: And motorized scooter?
8: Yes.
Me: And trampoline?
8: Can you drive me to his house?
if cupid went bow hunting would the deer population increase or decrease?
If you ever get attacked by a bear, throw your shark at it. Also, get a shark.
He kept asking to see “more” of me but for some reason my colonoscopy results were “too much”
Foh
Just saw 2 men with nets, a bag of worms and some rods. Definitely something fishy going on
I always go the extra mile at work. That’s why I’m a terrible taxi driver.
wife: Feeling better?
me: Yeah
wife: Kind of overreacted to a cold didn’t you?
[flashback to me calling the Make-A-Wish Foundation]
me: No
*puts spider in the ocean*
“Now go free and flourish into an octopus.”
*cuts girl in half & puts in ocean*
“Mermaid probably.”
I drive an extra five miles on my way home from work so I can access my mailbox from the drivers side.
Let’s bring back the word HOOTENANNY
got three hours sleep & i fell great! seems li the less less sleep I get the move alarr et u ambdcim
This needs to be over soon because my husband is starting to realize I’m not out of his league.
“Have you seen my dog? He drove away from home…”
that time Mario got bit by a radioactive koala
My last husband’s name is Don. I just added an E to it and walked away.
Better than the last 5 star wars movies. 😂😂
[first date]
HER: I really like a man who notices things.
ME: [trying to impress] Your eyebrows make you look like an Angry Bird.
Once an octopus figures out how to do roundhouse kicks, humans are pretty much done
I never see my neighbors. Unless I’m walking through the kitchen pulling my bra through my sleeve, glance out the window, and then it’s all like heyyyy
If I’m facing away from you during sex, assume I’m quietly enjoying a snack.
FBI PROFILER, LOOKING AT PHOTOS OF MY HOUSE: White male, mid-30s, doesn’t have a lot of friends or close associations, probably read a lot about serial killers as a kid, eats a lot of bullshit food, no real skills
ME: I’m right here
FBI PROFILER: Talks like an idiot
I work at Home Depot.
White guy: There is a man selling tamales out of the trunk of his car in the parking lot and disturbing costumers
Me: Thank you for that information
Me to tamale guy: Are you the guy selling tamales?
Tamale guy: yes
Me: I’ll take three
Look, I’m just saying it might be financially viable to use rice cakes instead of spray foam insulation
[DATE]
ME: I’m a literature buff
HER: who do you read?
ME: read?
*cut to me bench pressing like 70 copies of The Great Gatsby*