I admit opening an alligator petting zoo was not the best idea, but I told the kids to be careful so there’s plenty of blame to go around.
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I like to pride myself on knowing whether it’s Ice Ice Baby or Under Pressure by the first bum bum bum badda dum bum.
[group therapy]
IAN: Hi. I’m Ian. I’m racist
[others nod]
ME: Hi. I’m Mat. I use landscape keyboard on my phone
[screaming]
[Ian pukes]
My wife’s parrot is in love with some guy named Jeff lol
In the Phoenix airport & I just heard a guys laptop say “you’ve got mail”. Pretty sure I’ve landed in 1998.
when you gotta take the souls of the damned to the underworld, but need to reduce your carbon footprint
If they worked, nobody would own more than one self-help book.
Be like a cat and never give up on closed doors.
Hubs, “What are we doing tonight?”
Me, “As long as I’m with you I’m happy.”~Watches him watch ESPN on his phone~
Me, “I want a divorce.”
I don’t understand people who punch walls. “I’m so mad, I want to spend all day tomorrow plastering over the hole I’m about to make.”
Blood is thicker than water. Maple syrup is thicker than blood. So pancakes are more important than family. There, I said it.
Revenge is sweet I whisper to myself as I use the guest towels.
I was getting fed up at my job and was considering quitting but they’ve upgraded the toilet paper in the office restroom so I’m good now.
6: Mommy, why is that man wearing his baseball cap backwards?
Me: Because he was alive in the 1990s, sweetheart
8, peering closely at me: what’s that?
Me: my necklace
8: How do you know?
My teen: How do you not know how to play video games?
Also my teen: So all you have to do is press left, right, up, circle, triangle, square all while holding onto the upper left button.
On this day 15 years ago my moms picked up the phone and interrupted a file at 96% I’d been downloading from Napster for 17 hours.
You want me to respect scientists. The people who almost killed E.T.
I’ve heard that some people have kids who sleep through the night and I’d like to know if they use tranquilizers or chloroform
Welcome to adulthood. The weekend is your only time to catch up on everything but also your only time to do absolutely nothing.
A career website for plumbers called sinkedin
satan: welcome to hell
me: this isn’t so bad..is this a library?
s: yup all you can read!
m: wow!
s: say, weren’t you paralyzed by indecision your entire life?
me, nervously: yes..why?
*satan gestures to shelves of nothing but “choose your own adventure” books*
m: aw hell
Mario: YAHOO!! *throws banana peel at another cart, eats a mushroom*
Me: This. This is why I don’t take you grocery shopping.
*Frantically checks the time*
OMG I THINK I’M LATE oh wait that was yesterday
“Bears are omnivores so if you think about it, eating porridge makes perfect sense.”
my date: *heavy sigh* “Ok. Do you have a second favorite book?”
I’m sorry I said your baby has a face for radio.
Threw my back out due to overwhelming sensuality again.
Today my husband ate margarine with a spoon. Long story short, I’m unable to see a future with him. We had a good run.
My 6yo just stepped on a spider and thought she killed it, but it got up and scurried away. Her response? “Oh. My. God. It’s Spider Jesus.”