I admit opening an alligator petting zoo was not the best idea, but I told the kids to be careful so there’s plenty of blame to go around.
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Me, at a romantic movie: pffft like that would ever happen
Me, at any other genre movie: YES I ABSOLUTELY ACCEPT THIS OUTLANDISH SCENARIO
the closest I’ve ever come to a threesome was when I was mowing the lawn and I got hit in the face by two dragonflies having sex in mid air
When you’re attracted to someone and you don’t even know why, that’s called chemystery
,,,and send
i don’t invite people over because they might sit in my dog’s chair
ME: Say “Anagrams are stupid” one more time & I will rearrange your face.
YOU: Anagrams are stupid.
ME: You farce.
Nothing stops me in my tracks faster than a five year old saying, “I got you a present!”
Idk why but I get so much joy out of responding to phone scammers with the most dire and preposterous situations
[first time golfing]
caddy: which club would you like sir
me: do you have turkey
A person becomes 10 times more attractive not by their looks but by photoshop
[Batman villain naming meeting]
Ok, name the guy who asks all the riddles.
“The Riddler?”
GENIUS! OK, how about the woman dressed as a cat?
Next time my 5 y/o says “Daddy, guess what?”, I’m going to refuse to let her continue until I can actually guess, even if it takes 7 years.
Real jealous of all the bears getting fat and preparing to sleep for months
I buy my kids cereal based on which kinds my vacuum cleaner will be able to pick up best.
my 23 y/o boyfriend: have you heard this band? *turns on the beatles*
Me: Ok, who got Oreo filling on the couch?
Husband:
4:
7:
Me: Well…
7: It really could have been any of us.
4: (licks couch)
Who says great literature is dead?
WIFE: How do you feel about Hawaiian pizza?
ME, sipping my pineapple spice latte: I think you know
A Kids thought…..I found a whip, a mask and handcuffs in my mums bedroom.
I can’t believe it… she’s a superhero
2019: Keto is a lifestyle
2020: Cheeto is a lifestyle
This day in history. 1940. Carbon-14 was discovered, allowing us to estimate the age of organic materials such as wood, leather, and Cher.
wut hotdog?
🙀🙀🙀😹
Fun Fact: Baby powder’s ingredients include baby brothers and sisters who acted up.
*takes a drag off a Lucky Strike*
me: I was one hell of an athlete back in the day.
young person: Oh yeah? What did you play?
me: Darts.
[my first day at the spa]
*gently lays an entire cucumber on your eyelids*
*Gets divorced*
*Deletes ‘actress’ from LinkedIn profile*
*shows up to date with horse drawn carriage*
“I’m so surprised!”
Yes it’s a terrible drawing of a carriage but he didn’t have thumbs so
MY LAST MEAL ON DEATH ROW WILL BE RICE CAKES CAUSE THEY NEVER FILL ME UP AND I’LL JUST KEEP EATING UNTIL ALL THE GUARDS DIE
Joke’s on you, mugger. You only got my dummy wallet with money and IDs. All my photos of mom and my iguanas are taped to my inner thigh.
“You’ve still got it girl”
I say as I thread the needle first try!