I adopt cats because I can’t have any of my own.
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Is it possible to be TOO moisturized, I wonder as I slide off the sofa, out the door, and into oncoming traffic.
me: no shoes in the house
murderer: sorry
[second day of ninja training]
“Glad to see you’re all taking this more seriously. All except you, Glen. The tap shoes and air horn are, to say the least, antithetical, to what we’re doing here.”
I’m quite sure if Adam had offered Eve a donut, that whole Garden of Eden thing would’ve gone in an entirely different direction.
I’m not one to bet, but I’d put $50 on the fact that the waffle was probably created when someone accidentally stepped on a pancake.
I wrote a paper on how plants are evil.
It’s my Photo-Sin-Thesis
[to snake at news station]
you can’t do weather anymore
“ssswhy not?”
are we getting rain tomorrow?
“sssno”
do you see how that’s confusing?
*2 Knights on a Quest*
Elgon: Let’s rest here. Does the map say where we are?
Gawain: The map says “Here be Dragons”.
Elgon: Ha! They always say that!
Gawain: *getting off horse* Why do they say that?
Elgon:
Gawain: Elgon?
Dragon: Oh, was that your friend? *burp*
i like elevator conversations because i know there’s a time limit
just took 3 times my normal dose of adderall finally gonna get to the bottom of this whole amelia earhart thing
*gazing up at stars*
Her (whispering): is that the Big Dipper?
Me (a barista): actually the technical term for it is Venti Dipper
I don’t understand why everyone is so passionate about sports; it’s all just bullsh – HEY! YOU! NO! DARTH VADER DOES NOT HAVE A GREEN SABER!
At a local restaurant, I got on one knee and she said yes. 13 years later I haven’t got the balls to tell her I was just chasing a crouton.
beware of dog
(jukin media)
ME: I wasn’t invited to the party
FRIEND: Yeah, people think you’re melodramatic
ME: [slaps friend with silk glove] Then I shall die alone
i came on this app to make friends and chew bubblegum… and im all out of gum
After months of trying, I finally have a runner’s body. His shoes too. Also a really nice pair of headphones & his Fitbit. He was in shape.
What even happened today?
I put a potato in the microwave and pushed the pizza button. But when the little bell rang, it was still a potato.
Me: For who the bell tolls…
Teacher: You forgot the ‘M’.
Me:Oh…
Me:
Me: For who them bells toll…
My husband just got so tired of our argument he threw himself down the imaginary steps behind the couch.
Me: Damn dog is under the covers again!
Wife: No she’s not. She’s next to the bed.
Me: Oh.
Wife: …
Me: Might be time to shave your legs.
Not sure what’s more creepy, sifting through the trash dressed like a clown at 3am…or my neighbor peeking out his window watching me.
I have a black cat called Blackie and a fish called Fishface, so I get it guy who named the Walkie talkie.
Yesterday we got a puppy and my kids are so smitten that they’ve cut down their screen time enormously by 5%
literally anyone: “would you like some ice cream?”
me: [knowing ice cream makes me serverely ill] “ooo yes please”
90 people have swine flu and everybody wants to wear a mask. A million people have AIDS and nobody wants to wear a condom.
“Did you realise that a woman’s “I’ll be ready in five minutes” and a man’s “I’ll be home in five minutes” are exactly the same?”
What is it like to be a woman in comedy? I would say it’s 1% jokes & 99% answering this question.
Been in line for hours and I’m beginning to think this Radio Shack isn’t going to open.