I adopted a rock.
He just sits there and does nothing all day.
It still beats raising Kylo.
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[walks into kitchen]
Me: Put that back, it’s mine.
Daughter: Sorry.
Me: Your big brother once tried to steal my cake.
Daughter: I don’t have a big brother.
Me: Exactly.
I’m never sure what to do with my hands when I’m eating fried chicken while making an illegal u-turn.
eating all the chips in my house so that I won’t be tempted to eat all the chips
Did you hear about the documentary on volcanos, caves, and geysers?
It’s a hole series.
[getting car jacked] umm i know i’m supposed to resist and all but if we don’t cooperate we’re both gonna miss McDonalds breakfast so hop in
Laugh, and the world laughs with you…
Keep saying “LOL” out loud, and you’ll die alone.(For Judy in Accounting)
I quit cold turkey. I just reheat it now.
interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills?
me: yes that number is zero
HEY OFFICER, STOP SCREAMING AT ME TO PULL OVER, I’M DRUNK NOT DEAF
Twitter is like swimming in the ocean. Sometimes, it a beautiful sight. Occasionally, you find others like you. And you have no idea how many times you’ve passed a shark.
This forest scent air freshener is really working. Three elk have moved into my living room.
me: can i have a raise?
boss: i think the better question is how can we meet your career goals
me: by giving me more money
I hope one of the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse is single.
Husband: you’re in great condition.
Me: are you complimenting me or writing a craigslist ad?
A pasta maker is just a Play-doh toy for adults.
You can’t scare me, I grew up on ‘80s horror movies and still took a job as a camp counselor on a lake.
13 asked for a haircut yesterday. after the haircut he was upset and asked why his hair was shorter. brain cells man.
Me: I don’t know how to hold this baby
Her: Head held high
Me *proudly* I don’t know how to hold this baby
My Favorite Store: Here is an awesome coupon for 89% off any regular priced item!
Also My Favorite Store: We’re gonna put everything just a tiny bit on sale to render all coupons useless
Roasted broccoli for dinner tonight, and the rave reviews are in.
“What is this? It tastes like hair,” said one ungrateful child.
“Would you rather be right or—“
YES
Wow, what amazing teeth! May I have a closer look?
~ Red Riding Hood, seconds before realising that forgetting to wear her spectacles wasn’t the only mistake she’d make that day.
After taking a bunch of 7-year-olds on a field trip to the Natural History Museum, I realized their favorite exhibit was “Elevator Buttons.”
My wife made me coffee this morning & winked at me when she handed me the cup. I’ve never been more scared of a drink in all of my life.
Me at work: I miss my little angels-my favorite little ppl on this planet
Me after an hour of being home: these kids are the spawn of satan
my friend got banned from this bar so she waited like a year and started going back everyday like nothing happened and the other day the bar tender looked at her and was like “you look so much like this crazy girl we had to ban a while back”
I cried when my dentist told me I needed two implants and a crown because I can finally realize my dream of being a sexy princess.
The shower scene from Psycho, but instead of a knife, Norman Bates is wielding a ferocious Chihuahua
I made a smoothie with oat milk. It was horrible. So next time I will use this recipe:
1.) Take carton of oat milk. Change name on carton to boat milk with sharpie.
2.) Next, float it out to middle of lake.
3.) Last, light it on fire like a Viking funeral.
“we serve breakfast all day” no you don’t, you serve eggs and pancakes for dinner, which is totally fine, but let’s not lie to ourselves