I adopted a rock.
He just sits there and does nothing all day.
It still beats raising Kylo.
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Is professional slap fighting still a thing or is all that training I went through being a little brother still useless?
Everyone: Sleep when your baby sleeps.
My brain: Oh man she’s so cute. Just stare at her for two hours straight until she wakes up again.
*Types*
I have lumps on my head.
WebMD: Batman
Mini-horses are like mini-donuts, you can’t just eat one
My goal weight is to stop hearing ‘you have a great personality’
I like my <plural noun> like I like my <noun>. <adjective>, <adjective>, and <adjective>.
(I am tired today so this is a DIY tweet)
9: Don’t break anyone’s heart. But they do have 209 bones.
Me: You make me so proud.
I’m new to confession. Is it normal for the priest to cry and ask for a priest?
I will never get over the fact that a-hole and b-hole are the exact same thing
We have a winner.
TERMINOTOR: come with me if u want to live
ME: ok cool
*just sits there*
TERMINOTOR: COME WITH ME IF–
ME: ya i got it. im good right here
There’s a sign in this bathroom that asks us not to flush anything but toilet paper down the toilet & now I’m unsure how to proceed.
[Donald Duck opens gift]
Daisy: It’s pants. Try them on!
Donald: [stands] STOP TRYING TO CHANGE ME WOMAN
My therapist after every session
I’m at the point in my life where my favorite Mexican restaurant is based solely on how big the margaritas are.
*shows up to date with horse drawn carriage*
“I’m so surprised!”
Yes it’s a terrible drawing of a carriage but he didn’t have thumbs so
Interviewer: So, why do you want to work here?
Me: Well, I don’t really want to “work” here, per se…I just really need the paychecks.
My parents were always subverting gender norms. Mom grilled. Dad watched lifetime movies. Both wept when I left the lasagna out all night.
Walmart never delivered my grocery order but they gave me a $10 credit so I will give each of my thanksgiving guests a dollar in lieu of a meal. All is well.
My toddler asserts dominance by demanding ice cream then just holding it till it melts and I have to clean it up
18: Thanks for the nuggets.
Me: I didn’t buy you nuggets.
18: Well 19 said she didn’t either, so how did the get in my room? Someone could have broken in.
Me: Yes and left you a 20 piece with ranch, that has been happening a lot on this street.
I did it! I found the worst thing on the internet. A combination of so much awful.
She has a rye sense of humor & great buns.
I’m her hero, although I don’t have much dough.
I can’t wheat to see her!
I’m in loaf.
Interviewer: what interests you about this job?
Me: the pay
Interviewer: can you be more specific?
Me: cash
My toddler has lost the eyes from her Mr Potato head toy and I’m pretty sure it was on purpose so he can’t see how shit 2020 is
What kind of monster sits in a rocking chair and doesn’t rock
I feel for any dog who’s owned by a homeless guy. The poor pooch must be thinking “Where does this guy live, we’ve been walking for 3 years”
swallowing a bunch of popcorn kernels before getting xrayed
Me: Where the hell are you going with those balloons?
4yr: I need to wee!
Me: With balloons?!
4yr: Its so much fun to wee with balloons
4: I didn’t know lizards were cold
6:
4:
6: BLIZZards