So important your wife knows you’re petting the dog when she hears you say “you’re getting a little chunky”
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As my mom finishes up cutting up my steak for me, I can’t help but notice that my date looks upset.
Me: Let’s go to the store.
5 yo: Why?
M: For food.
5: Why?
M: So we can eat.
5: Why?
M: To stay alive.
5: Why?
M: I have no idea.
BUILDING INSPECTOR: what’s this called
DARTH VADER: the death—
[inspector’s eyes look up from his clipboard]
DARTH VADER: uh the health star
before meds: *hates everything*
after meds: *feels good about hating everything*
I did my three minute river dance routine outside his bedroom window and my hot neighbor still doesn’t want to date me
This is bullshit
Twitter is like a dog: There’s always someone who loves you for you… there’s also always someone who just peed in an inappropriate place.
if you have a roomba but don’t dress it up in little outfits then what are you even doing
Onion rings.
I pick up the onion. “Hello?”
I start crying. “Bad news?” she asks, as I hang up.
“No, babe. It’s an onion.”
Ha ha, I love it when brands do sassy clapbacks to each other
Right now, I need a Transformer that can turn into a blender that’s not broken.
Them: You have a debt to society
Me: Well they can get in line
Elderly Woman: Excuse me, young man…could you help m-
Me: I have a grandma.
‘Black Swan’ is on HBO 2 if anyone wants to watch Natalie Portman masturbate in front of her stuffed animals.
No friends? What about those visits to your place from Amazon and FedEx?
Shoulder devil: Do it! Do it!
Shoulder angel:
Shoulder devil: Oh he long gone
me at age 5: if I get a million dollars ill buy a yacht and 14 trampolines
me at age 25: if I get a million dollars ill go to the dentist and pay for express shipping on stuff
If video games taught me anything it’s that you don’t need to work because there’s precious gems just laying around everywhere.
Me: mmm daddy, all up in there
Priest: it’s “our father who art in heaven”
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
There’s an owl calling for its mate outside my window, maybe I should go out and try that too
I grew up during the time when every home had a sewing machine but no one knew how to use it or where it came from.
[dental office]
Me: I’m going to need some laughing gas.
Receptionist: Your appointment isn’t for 3 months.
Me: Is that a yes?
Cinco de Mayo means five of mayonnaise in Spanish.
Art by Pastelkatto
Why are we wasting time on all these “beware of dog” signs?
I’ve never met a cat that wasn’t obviously plotting to kill somebody…
The coronavirus is exactly like that houseguest who won’t take the hint to leave but who also won’t stop killing people.
*At the Carnival*
Me: How much for the petting zoo?
Person: What?
*Drunk at Walmart by the dressing rooms*
I was looking into party ideas for my twins 6th birthday and came across someone who does slime & glitter parties so I reported them to the police
If anyone needs to make a fake snowy winter wonderland, for a nominal fee I can come and exfoliate on your front lawn.
trying to convince my straight friends it’s homophobic to not buy gay people presents during pride month