A librarian with a sense of humour…
#Oscars
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Why can’t mirrors be nicer
There is no idea so bad that it cannot be made to look brilliant with the right application of fonts and colours
DOMINO’S PIZZA TRACKER UPDATES:
– At 5:30pm, Ronny left our store with your pizza and $350 in stolen cash
– At 5:42pm, Ronny was last seen heading eastbound of HWY 94, high AF on meth
– At 6:02pm, Ronny got naked and ate your pizza while exchanging gunfire with police. Sorry
The Jaws theme stays on during sex.
Keep your friend’s clothes in your enemy’s toaster.
Your name is Jeff with a G? Jeffg? Ok
(1:35pm) God: Yo Abraham
(1:37pm) Abe: sup
(1:38pm) God: Need u to kill ur son
(1:42pm) Abe: k(4:02pm) God: jk lol
(4:10pm) God: u there?
Satan: Omg im such a big fan of your work!
My toddler: Thank you! Did you bring me plain milk? I asked for spaghetti milk.
Clock: “You need to get up in 6 hours.”
Me: “No you’re mistaken. First I need to Google the lyrics to that song from 9th grade, and then find the episode with the scene where they played that song on BH 90210.”
doctor: we had to remove your appendix
JRR Tolkien: but that’s where I explain why elves hate dwarves
*wakes up*
*checks the obituaries*
*sees I’m not listed*
“Well that’s a relief”
Kids today will tell you how they hate tomatoes while eating chips and salsa.
cat owners be like don’t worry he only scratches if you pet him or feed him or call him or touch him or make noise or walk past him or
The best way to tell someone you don’t like them is to text them 370HSSV 0773H and tell them to read it upside down.
Cop: have you been drinking tonight?
Me: no sir
Cop: *rips off mask to reveal my mother* well you need to stay hydrated
Spoiler alert: Your ’97 Nissan Sentra doesn’t need one.
What’s the difference between a sweater and a jacket.
You wear a jacket when you’re cold.
You wear a sweater when your mum is cold.
#SweaterDay #RubbishJokes
[First date]
Him: I love murder mysteries.
Me: *trying to impress him* I have been a suspect in four murder cases.
[400 pages into a fantasy book] ok there is no way this is real
Hey remember that snarky insult you threw my way three weeks ago? Well now I have comeback so please repeat it.
Pretty sure my dog would make a shitty astronaut because space is a vacuum and those tend to scare him
Guy got to the gym a few minutes before I did and asked “Are you ok with listening to metal?” so I was just like “Yeah sure that’s fine” and he put on Fall Out Boy lol
[Army Shooting Range]
Officer: Are you locked & loaded?
Soldiers: YES SIR!
Officer: You may fire at will!
Soldier Named Will: WTF?
Me: I wish I was super hot.
Menopause: Say no more, fam.
I found the worst tweet ever made. It appeared right after I clicked send
Me: this is bullshit. conditioner and shampoo in one? impossible
Walmart employee who I have in a headlock: sir I didn’t make the shampoo
Which brand of vacuum cleaner would make the coolest birthday present for the wife?
CUT, CUT!! [Music stops]
LOOK IT’S A WESTERN MUSICAL
[Rubs temples] YOU HAVE TO KEEP THE COWBOY HAT ON-
[Cat runs off] Meow!
I made fun of a guy for still having a Nokia phone. He threw it at me and knocked me unconscious.
My 4YO said, “did you know some 10 year olds still have moms that are alive?” and I don’t know if this is just a random observation or a veiled threat.