I almost accused a 10 yr old of stealing my dance moves but it turns out he just really had to go to the bathroom & didn’t know where it was
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making baked potatoes in the oven is fun because they’re either ready in 30 minutes or 147hrs
Me: One day I took my friend-
Him: Wait, you have a friend?
Me: Yes
Him: Wow, ok, go on
Me: So I took my friend to the vet for her shots and
If you hear someone yelling “we have macaroni and cheese and bread at the house,” don’t worry that’s just my dad because I just paid $10.16 for a grilled macaroni and cheese sandwich at Panera Bread.
He wasn’t with me, but I’m sure he feels a disturbance in the force.
[throws dirty diaper away]
– OMG WHAT R U DOING?!
– it’s gross im not touching that
– GET THE BABY OUT OF THE TRASH & CHANGE IT!
– ugh, fine
can’t talk rn I’m busy cyberbullying people who paint over solid wood antique furniture
[repeatedly mashing elevator button]
him: you know that doesn’t make it come any quicker
[starts licking elevator button]
I like waiters.
They bring a lot to the table.
ME: thanks for “showing me the ropes” lol
SAILING INSTRUCTOR: you’re not even making a joke sailing is literally where that comes from
I carry an extra fish stick behind my ear like a Marlboro.
Principal: Bob, you’re their Sex Ed teacher. These kids depend on you *slams fists on desk* SO WHY ARE YOU TELLING THEM COOTIES ARENT REAL
Me: mmm daddy, all up in there
Priest: it’s “our father who art in heaven”
Travel bloggers during quarantine
A terrible baby shower game idea is called, “Have a man come in and guess which woman at the shower is pregnant.”
If someone asks if I have time to talk about Jesus I tell them yes but they have to give me an equal amount of time to talk about Ducktales.
WIFE: why is there a chicken wearing glasses in our living room
ME: he’s my new friend
CHICKEN: *pecks at the floor and his glasses fall off*
ME: oh no where did Cluck Kent go
WHAT IF LIBRARIES HAD POSTED MEMES IN THE EIGHTIES: a thread
Every time I burp I feel like my stomach is like, “Hey! Remember when we ate that?”
Could you please put your screaming baby on vibrate.
ME: Im a secret agent
THEM: With like the FBI
ME: Idk its a secret
sisqo: [filing a missing persons’ report] she had dumps like a truck
cop: i keep telling you, i don’t know what that means
Hot single narcissists in your area want to be rude to you and then pretend nothing happened.
Spent two weeks with my grandmother and now I know why grandpa was a drunk
I never know how much to tip a cow.
I hate when I show up to a funeral and another guy is wearing the same hot dog costume.
If my kids ask, the monster under the bed can only find you if you didn’t brush your teeth
If I gave you a book for Christmas it’s due back at the library tomorrow
The straw that broke the camel’s back was either an exceptionally large straw or that camel had some serious osteoporosis.
Last night I went to a fancy dress party dressed as a screwdriver. I turned a few heads.
they told me to make myself at home so i moved their silverware to the more logical drawer
(during sex)
Don’t move! Don’t move! A pickle and the second of my two all-beef patties is stuck in your hair.