noooo that’s my emotional support 8,000 screenshots i haven’t looked at since taking
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It doesn’t take long after becoming a parent to figure out why the people that wrote nursery rhymes sounded like they were drunk.
Taking a road trip with my toddler made me realize that I do in fact negotiate with terrorists.
Yoda: In the Light Side, the real power is.
Luke: The Emperor controls the galaxy. You live in a swamp.
I don’t always make pterodactyl noises, but when I do it’s usually because I’m walking through a crowded aisle in Walmart.
I’m not sure which is a gentler way to wake me up; my 2yo or walking barefoot through a pile of glass shards.
Ok, I’m disowning my entire family so that means y’all are my family now!
…I’m gonna need a head count for Thanksgiving, ok?
Admit it, no one really knows how to use the memory function on a calculator. We’re all just too embarrassed to ask now.
Netflix: (every 45 seconds) aRe YoU StiLL wAtcHiNg ???
Netflix when you fall asleep on the couch: *somehow plays 18 episodes in a row*
Why is everyone getting married at me
fact: each canadian goose contains the repressed rage of 30 canadians
Just got your text from Saturday. Are you still being kidnapped?
#MeanwhileinCanada
While I was driving, my 4-year-old threw a shoe and honked the car horn and has officially outdone my husband as the worst back seat driver.
I ate 4 lunch ladies before someone explained that’s not what they’re for.
I hate showing my baby pictures because everyone says “you were so cute” but there’s always the unspoken but implied “what happened”
Kinda cool how Earth is the largest planet in the whole world.
I bet that if you cooked the entire Earth in a giant microwave, it would somehow come out cold in the middle.
[speed dating]
Me: Periods.
Her: Huh?
Me: Do they go inside the quotation mark or outside?
Her: In the US or the UK?
Me: Let’s get married.
Before a PhD: I don’t know.
After a PhD: That is outside the scope of my current knowledge.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Do you think his parents looked at him as a baby and said “You look like an Engelbert Humperdinck”?
Turns out, people will turn around and walk the other way if you hiss like a cat when they approach you.
Autocorrect just changed “lady parts” to “lazy parts” and I didn’t wanna change it back because it’s not wrong, to be honest.
People who bite popsicles, where are the bodies hidden?
Іf you can’t afford therapy try garlic bread.
Crazy to think back before camera phones we all used to sit in front of bathroom mirrors with sketch pads.
ppl have to stop making plans with me in advance because the me who agreed to the plans 3 days ago is NOT the same person as the me 30 minutes before the plans are supposed to take place
I made $12 in the cryptocurrency market. Learn how I did it in my new book, “How I made $12 in cryptocurrency market”.
Me *disposes off all containers, sprays car freshener, gargles with lemonade*
My kid (5 mins later, entering the car): You went to MacDonalds without me?????
Twitter: she’s on to us
Me: No no..it doesn’t matter, I love you
Twitter: I’m just an app
Me: ‘Presses finger to twitter lips. Shhhhhh
Yelling at your kid when they’re your height just hits different.