[heist team lowers me into the mainframe]
*I see a bra fastened around the keyboard*
Me, sweating: shit, I’ve never gotten past one of these
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Her: I <3 you.
Me: I… I sideways balls you too.
*glamorously folds laundry
*seductively wipes off countertops
*slowly bends over to pick up toys
*sexily trips over the cat…
I like to take a store-bought cake to a potluck and joke that I made it myself. As if people could actually make their own cakes!
shoutout to my mom who has reused the same Christmas gift bags for so long she just found a gift card to the Cheesecake Factory from 1999.
My son cried yesterday because:
– he “doesn’t want to carry two things” (school bag and lunch bag)
– i pushed the button on the elevator and he wanted to do it
– his nanny said hello and he’s “too tired to greet”
– didn’t like the shirt he was wearing anymore
– wanted to write M
NURSE: the doctor has pronounced your father dead
ME: oh my god we’ve been calling him dad all this time
It’s funny how a girl can remember a slightly inappropriate comment you made 10 years ago but not the directions to her friends house
When people with bible quotes in their bio follow me…I don’t know man. I think you’re gonna have a bad time
JOHN MAYER: i wanna run through the halls of my high school
ME: i do not relate
JOHN MAYER: i wanna scream at the top of my lungs
ME: [nodding] ok now we’re talking
[job int]
“& what are your strengths.”
Me: lions
“Lions?”
Me: I’ll take [lion walks by the office] I- [quietly] I’ll take on any lion
Dolphin son: dad, how did you know mom was the one
Dolphin dad: the first time I met her we just clicked
My toddler gets pretty impatient with me for someone who takes 45 minutes to eat an egg.
Every Crock-Pot recipe:
– throw in anything you have left in the house
– cook three to eleven hours.
I don’t want to “agree to disagree,” I want you to say uh huh and I say nuh uh and you say uh huh until we’ve resolved this.
At work, I secretly make decaf coffee in the regular pot to keep all of my coworkers working at my pace.
Him: [running his fingers through my hair] is… is this part of a cookie?
Every reddit relationship post is like “My husband dropped a big piano on my head and when I emerged from the rubble my teeth had been replaced by the keys. Am I in the wrong?”
Age 10: One day I will get married and have 10 kids
Age 20: I hope I find someone neat
Age 30: *hissing sound*
Kenny Rogers: You’ve got to know when to hold em’
Neo-natal nurse: awww
Kenny Rogers: And know when to fold em?
Neo-natal nurse: absolutely not
[god creating jellyfish]
how bout an evil bag
I went to the bathroom and forgot my phone. Had to read the little paper about Toxic Shock Syndrome from the tampon box again
Genie: You have three wishes.
Me: First, I would like a time machine.
*travels back in time a few minutes now owning a time machine*
Genie: You have three wishes.
As you age, it’s ridiculous how fast bird-watching creeps up on you. You spend your whole life being 100% indifferent to birds, and then one day you’re like “damn is that a yellow-rumped warbler”
I woke up with a horse’s head in my bed. And straw. And the rest of the horse’s body. And cows. And a tractor. And this is a barn, I guess.
[at deli]
me: I’ll take a platonic male friend that doesn’t treat me like their manic pixie therapistlady: we have cole slaw
me: ok
Does anything good ever escape from a lab
me: if i had a time machine i’d eat dinner again
friend: so go back for seconds?
me: no probably longer than that
Give a man a baby, and he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to baby, and i think this saying only works for fish actually.
People keep mistaking my “wow”s for compliments.