Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
No one on the face of the planet:
Every business I’ve ever traded with since 1981: Let me tell you what we’re doing and/or not doing about Covid-19
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Do you know beforehand your dog is a cadaver dog, or do your first several walks always happen to end with finding a body?
Me *to person next on me on plane* I’m a nervous flyer, I’ll probably scream when we take off
Co-pilot: what
Him: This fish is too fishy.
Me: How’s your water? Too wet?
Time flies when you duct tape an alarm clock to a pelican.
my little sister is staying home for her first semester of college so i’m gonna puke in her shower and set off the fire alarm at 3am so she can get the true freshman year dorm experience
Ever since I had my fingerprints taken for employment, I often sit at my desk gazing off in the distance, reflecting over the opportunity of an exciting life of crime lost by accepting this job.
Never put a toaster in the bathtub. Nobody likes soggy toast.
S/o to @funTweeters .
I got sent out of class today at school. The teacher yelled at me, “What would your parents say if I called them?’ I replied, “Hello?”
Im not trying to brag or anything, but I just got invited to play Candy Crush on FB
I’ve made arrangements for my Twitter reply guy to deliver the rebuttal following my eulogy.
6-year-old: Did you know an octopus has 9 brains?
Me: I did not know that.
6-year-old: That’s because you only have 1 brain.
Me: Would you like chopsticks or a fork
My son: No thanks
MATH Q: 5 friends wanna split a $50 dinner. But Josh wants a separate check bc his thing was $2 less. Really, Josh? This is y nobody likes u
HER: NNNNNNNN
ME: [gently rolling her onto her side]
HER: ZZZZZZZZ
Dude yelled “Fight me like a man” at me, so I held him down and marginalized him for a thousand years.
[dog on trial for murder]
lawyer: who’s a good boy?
dog: I am
lawyer: your honor I rest my case
It’s called courting because you will need lawyers later.
Firing squad leader: Any last words?
Me: I’d like to thank my arms for always being by my side haha
Firing squad leader: ok we’re gonna somehow try to kill you twice
TIME TRAVELLER: No
WAITER: You guys ok? Do you need anything?
You inspired me to sing. Never mind the dogs howling for me to stop.
My cat and I made a best friend pact tonight. If I die first, he won’t eat my body. Or if he dies first, I won’t use his skull as a cup.
[job interview]
Him: What’s your greatest strength?
Me: I’m very independent.
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: Tell him, Mom.
Mom: He is!
Of course I believe you are God’s gift to women.
He gave us periods and painful childbirth. Why not you too?
My kids’ superpower is finding something to fight about after only being awake for 2 minutes.
who will stop them
Remembering this really good dating app interaction from Portugal
Me: I’m going to mall
Wife: For what?
Me: Oh, you know. To, um, shop
Wife: So, you’re NOT going to stand at the top of the escalator saying “wow, that escalated quickly” to everyone that gets off?
Me: I thought I asked you not to bring that UP.
[first day as a bartender]
boss: stop putting OJ in the mojitos
me: *starts serving mitos*