@Brentweets: I almost choken on food and the whole time it was happening I was just thinking "What a cliche way for a fat person to die of"
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@TheMichaelRock: A coworker wouldn't stop bragging about her upcoming trip to Hawaii, so I emailed her a bunch of pictures of plane crashes.
@AmericanGent69: My 6 year old came into the bathroom while I was using it to tell me she hates it when the dog comes into the bathroom when she's using it.
@DanKCharnley: I'm jealous of turtles because if they don't want to talk to someone, they're like "Nah, dude, busy in my shell right now. Come back later."