@Brentweets: I almost choken on food and the whole time it was happening I was just thinking "What a cliche way for a fat person to die of"
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@MUMSIEesq: [HOSPITAL] DOCTOR: "A-tisket a-tasket, you're gonna need a casket." WIFE: "What?" DR: "Your husband's knee surgery did not go well AT ALL."
@hythemafia: "Pay attention, 007; this might look like an ordinary suitcase but, if you push this button, a handle comes out and you can wheel it."
@TheFearBoners: 8 year old at the park said I threw like a girl. He found out I kick in the nuts like a girl too.
@andylassner: At least once a day I say "nice to meet you" to someone I've already met which is a great feeling for all involved.