I almost choken on food and the whole time it was happening I was just thinking “What a cliche way for a fat person to die of”
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6-year-old: Spill me some milk.
Me: You mean “pour.”
6: Not the way you do it.
My roommate went on a bumble date and was nervous so decided to pound shots in her car once she got to the place they were meeting and the guy was parked next to her and watched her chug vodka for 5 minutes.
Dating is rough.
Cosmetology school was a real letdown. Anyone wanna buy a spacesuit?
You can’t see me anymore because of Ebola??!
Is she prettier than me?
She sounds hideous!
Well, I hope you’re happy together.*END CALL*
My husband likes to watch The Bachelorette and I like to stare at him when he does
SEXY FLATMATE: I miss my boyfriend
ME: The doctor?
F: He never comes round anymore
ME [smiling at my room full of apples] Yeah it’s so weird
Leave Twitter just because it’s lacking infrastructure and is terribly understaffed?
Babe, I’m a public school teacher 😅
I only came because I was told we would be playing Hungry Hungry Hippos.
Me: hi 🙂
Woman at bar: it’s loud in here, I’m sorry, did you just say “colon closed parentheses” ???
Doctor: What’s the problem?
Liam Neeson: Unknown
Doctor: Does it hurt?
Liam Neeson: Non-stop
Doctor: Are you on painkillers?
Liam Neeson: Taken two
Doctor: Are you just listing your films?
Liam Neeson: Batman Begins
こいつ天才
My bank messaged me saying ” Stay healthy, stay safe”.
I replied “you too.”
If I chase you, it’s definitely with a flamethrower.
I just want to bring your heart to it’s knees.
… And while you’re down there…
I read all tweets with poor grammar and word choice in a Cookie Monster voice.
My boss: hey you got a sec?
Me: I have all the secs
Boss: what?
Me: what?
Took the kids cherry picking yesterday. 2 refused to participate and spent the whole time playing in the dirt.
Today we’re at the children museum, so of course the only thing 2 wants to do is pick fake fruit off a fake tree.
My neighbor called my dog fat the other day. Took me two hours to convince my dog that he just had thick fur.
Noah: I need 2 of every animal
Shark: even us?
Noah: no, you can swim
Unicorn: I’m pretty good at swimming
Noah: go for it
Husband: “Why are you always on your phone?”
Me: “Sounds good, I’m starving.”
When I’m old, I’m gonna giggle uncontrollably, squirm, and go all sack of potatoes on my son when he tries to get me in the car as payback.
Where do bad rainbows go?
To prism. It’s a light sentence, but it gives them time to reflect.
11:14
I know things ordinary people don’t know because ordinary people don’t talk to squirrels.
I spent a good portion of today sitting in a Snuggie watching Cops. Eventually, they told me to go home and put on pants.
If somebody stops to ask me directions, I give them directions to my house. see you in twenty minutes new best friend.
ME: *posing nude for a painter*
GUY PAINTING MY HOUSE: please sir…I have a family.
*in court for murder*
I’m appreciate your feedback on not killing people. I’m listening, learning and growing.
Women like men who make plans, commit to those plans, and still have a few surprises left in them. This is why your girlfriend is obsessed with serial killers.
[my kids walk in on me being murdered]
ME: call 911
KIDS: ok but then will you get us a snack?
You can trust me, but not “leave me unattended around garlic bread” trust me.