I almost confused a laxative and Ibuprofen and that would have changed my plans for the evening significantly
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*bumpes into my ex on the street
*dials a number
Hello, Satan? Dude I thought we had an agreement?!
Don’t ask too many questions here. Curiosity kills the chat.
I find that the secret to not being insecure is to just be better than everybody at everything while being incredibly good looking.
[God is taking a nap]
Prankster Angel: Um yea hi, Abraham? This is God. *trying super hard not to laugh* You need to kill your son.
A Brit watching their house fall off a cliff:
“That’s a bit of a blow”
VAMPIRE HUNTER: It’s so strange…why is this one coffin turned over on its side?
ME, from inside: I don’t like sleeping on my back.
angel: they seem to be doing well
God: give them more diseases
angel: is that really necess-
God: and social anxiety and kill a gorilla
I have very conflicting feelings about getting murdered because on one hand I’d be dead but on the other hand I’d be making sure female podcasters had content and I love women supporting women
why this chick look like a soccer player posing for senior pictures
[during sex]
gf: this is so hot, seth!seth macfarlane: shut up, I’ll do all the voices!
gf:
seth [feminine voice]: this is so hot, seth!
This guys gifted me lighter, I guess he is my cigarette santa.
I’ve cleaned the entire house so no one is allowed to live here anymore.
(Avoids bear attack by spraying him in the face with Axe Body Spray)
Bear: *crying and coughing* Why?
Got the invite to your wedding. Thanks! Sadly, your blatant overuse of illegible, ornate script fonts means I don’t know when or where it is
After dieting for a week and losing nothing, I cheated one day and gained a pound. Follow me for more reasons to run into a brick wall head first.
“So You Were Trying to Be Polite But Now He Wants to Wear Your Skin As Pajamas: A Woman’s Guide to the Internet”
What’s the difference between snowmen and snowladies ? Snowballs
I just saw a reel where a momfluencer claims that if you just play with your toddler for 15 minutes a day, they won’t have tantrums, and I’m pretty sure this woman has never met a toddler in her life
God: go forth and multiply
Me: I was told there would be no math.
“No, it’s not me” 😂💀
My husband pissed me off today, so I hid his keys by putting them in the spot where we keep our keys.
every raccoon you see is currently on parole
“We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal.” – A man who owned other men.
Chess says everything about men & women. The King has to take things one step at a time, while the Queen can do whatever the hell she wants.
inventor of murder: I’m going to make a killing
[choking to death on a sushi roll]
CO-WORKER 1: John, your mute is on.
CO-WORKER 2: John? Can you hear me? Your Zoom’s muted.
CO-WORKER 1: John, you have to turn off your mute.
CO-WORKER 3: I don’t think he realizes he’s on mute.
Don’t make me mad or I will replace all your gummy candies with fiber gummies.
Chairman: I’d like everyone to go over what they chose as their mascots.
Burger King: A king.
Wendy’s: A joyous child.
Mcdonald’s: I didn’t know we- um, a clown? Like a big nasty clown.
Chairman:
Mcdonald’s: A big nugget. Maybe purple. No wait how about a moist little thief?
[cocktail party]
BARTENDER: *pointing at me* Mai Tai?
ME: no, it’s mine…it came with the suit.
Keep your friends close and your enemies tied to a train track.