I almost confused a laxative and Ibuprofen and that would have changed my plans for the evening significantly
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Me: I need a raise
Secretly-an-Alien Manager: Yes, it is good to, want to exchange labor for the right amount of delicious green rectangles
My houseplants watching me put water in the espresso machine
wtf? Somehow in the past 9 months, someone has snuck in & shrunk my winter clothes
WIFE: Your heavy drinking is making you delusional
ME: *turns to friend* Do you think that’s true?
WOLVERINE: Nah, don’t listen to her
I installed a bike rack on my car so my neighbors think I do something else besides stay drunk.
Simple enough.
kidnappers: get in the car
me: i want to sit in front
My daughter made me out to be the villain because I wasn’t going to let her eat a stick of butter for breakfast. Like I was saving it just for me
Nobody ever asked me to prove that I’m not an elephant, but I once lost an argument about being a french poodle
Went to Vegas and all I came back with was 5 extra pounds and a key chain.
People think dads are dumb for getting to the airport 5 hours early but it’s only because we saved up several thousand dollars for a couple of beers before the flight. Who’s the dumb one now?
Every year my wife buys me Christmas gifts I didn’t ask for. Why would I need this many books about foreplay?
My body is a temple.
My mind is a comedy club.
My apartment is a landfill.
My car is a fast food restaurant.
I could do this all day.
<guitar riff>
<guitar riff>
<guitar riff>
Singer: Ya-aahh-aaahh-weee-aaaa-oooo-roooo-aaahhYeah, I felt that.
My childhood was fairly normal and I still turned out like this.
my fav thing at work is asking “can i have your name?” to customers. they dont understand, thats mine now. i am damian now. not you. you lost that. you gave it to me.
I’ve been given feedback that I mention my favorite serial killer too quickly at social events.
Moaning Myrtle haunting the bathroom but it’s just me after eating Taco Bell.
Receptionist: the doctor can see you now
invisible man who’s also blind: who said that
receptionist: who said that
It took me 2 whiskeys to remember I know how to do karate.
I hate it when I’m trying to discreetly pick a wedgie in public and inadvertently end up doing every dance routine from Spice World.
Me: Sex?
Wife: Sure.
Me: Really? Just like that?
Wife: Yep.
Me: …never mind.
I don’t know what she’s up to, but I don’t like it.
ME: i trained my cat to talk
HER: let’s see
ME: name an object pronoun
CAT: me-
ME: what do u I say when I’m hurt
CAT: -ow
HER: this sucks
ME: patience
CAT: we’re just getting started, Linda
[1st Row at Beyoncé Concert]
Beyoncé: Who run da world?! *points mic at me*
ME: [having briefly heard the song once before] …squirrels?
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Attack while they’re distracted.
me: =)
dentist: we have to remove some teeth
me: =;
my mom always told me not to wear long skirts because they make me look short. ok lady, first of all i am genetically yours and homegrown in your womb. i only turned out to be 5’2”. this is not the skirt’s fault
Open for business, 24/7
~my stomach
It’s incredible how fast toddlers move. I had my eyes on my 1yo and looked away for 30 seconds and now I need to pick her up at the airport.