I almost crashed into the semi in front of me while I was looking at a hot construction worker. That would’ve been an embarrassing obituary.
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*Flirting before having kids*
Me: [sends her pic of my naked body]*Flirting after having kids*
Me: [sends her pic of our bed with freshly changed sheets]
What idiot called it a national anthem instead of country music?
“Space heater” is a pretty ambitious name. How about “shin warmer?”
Recipe: prep 10 mins, bake 30 mins
Reality: prep 2.5 hours, bake 1 hour, order takeout instead.
This girl from my hometown just named her baby Brogan and everyone just let it happen
when I die, mix my ashes with the potato salad at the wake. I want people to mourn my passing twice
google just released their AI and all I’m going to say is that ur jobs are safe
me: i would like a *prepares to wow vietnamese waiter with my attention to pronunciation* “pho”
korean waiter: we do not serve this dish
“Another pancake?”
“No, honestly, 38 is enough for me”
This salad is delicious, probably because it’s a donut.
Me: The worst thing about quarantine is that I’m running low on hot sauce.
BFF: Why you lying?
he looks like the detective in a TV mystery series who’s been drinking a bit much since his wife died but always gets his man
wife: I know it’s hard, but crying and throwing things isn’t going to make it easier
son: What’s wrong with dad?
wife: He’s trying to figure out your math homework
Am I annoying yet? How about now? Now? Now? Now? How about now? Now? Now? Now? Maybe now? Now? Now? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow?
Stomach: Every time you eat, we get sick.
Brain: Hmm. I know what would make us feel better.
Stomach: No-
Brain: TAQUITOS!
Me: Yay TAQUITOS!
My favourite interaction on this hellish site just happened
6: what’s 3+1?
Me: 4
6: noooo it’s 3
Me: 3+1 is 4
6: nooooo it’s 3
Me:
6: the 1 is silent
Noah: A boat?
God: Yes.
Noah: Two of every animal?
God: Yes.
Noah: I have a better idea.
God: What.
Noah: Maybe don’t kill everyone.
Them: Do any vampires die in this movie?
Me: No it’s pretty low stakes.
“Susan cancel my 2 o’clock”
Both hands stuck in Pringles cans again? Here let me help
“no no no I need to learn to do this on my own”
Biologist screws up:
Mutant killer virusPhysicist screws up:
Deadly black holeGeologist screws up:
Rock on table is now rock on floor
I see all my neighbors out there mowing their lawns and I wonder if they’d come do mine also.
I don’t always make my order as complicated as possible, just when the server is showing off by not writing it down.
You play the victim so well you probably have chalk in your pocket to outline your body
choose your fighter
[checking bag at the airport]: yes, that is indeed a bag
Me: Let me taste and see how are those fries…
My kid: *speedily swallowing them* no need, I can tell you they are good.
Date: Your profile said you wanted someone to attend a wedding with you.
Me: Yup!
Date: This wasn’t what I had in mind.
Officiant: Do you take this man?
Me: I do!