@CulturedRuffian: I almost cut my finger off cutting some celery to eat and all I could think is this never happens with cupcakes.
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@david8hughes: Juror: we find the defendant guilty Me: objection your honour! U already asked me if I was guilty & I told u I wasn't Judge: he has a point
@sageboggs: KANYE: I made Taylor Swift famous TRUMP: We should ban all Muslims KANYE: BILL COSBY INNOCENT TRUMP: THE POPE SUCKS KANYE: damn ur good
@AbbyHasIssues: This invitation says, “Regrets only,” so I’m sending them a note that says, “My hair throughout most of the ‘90s.”