I almost cut my finger off cutting some celery to eat and all I could think is this never happens with cupcakes.
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I’ll straight up listen to yacht rock on a house boat and house music on a yacht I really don’t give a shit anymore.
You hear about separate beds or even bedrooms saving a marriage.
Bullshit. Separate pizzas is the key to happiness. Trust me on this.
[pediatricians office]
8, after the flu vaccine: Daddy, now I can tell my whole class I got shot!
Me: Please don’t say it like that.
u buy breath mints? who needs to buy breath mints, people give me breath mints all the time, they just hand it to me like “here, take this.” also, why are u buying soap
him: oh sorry I thought you worked here
me, in line at a haunted house: WOW
Am I religious? Not really.
Am I praying nobody else pukes tonight? Lord yes.
I don’t care if you’re here to murder me – we take our shoes off in this house.
Car commercials are always showing the cars driving like it’s supposed to impress me but I already know they can do that
DATE: I want to date someone that loves the ocean
MY BRAIN: say you like swimming
MY MOUTH: the Titanic was an inside job
Sorry I chased you three city blocks but I wanted to meet your dog
If you blast Foreigner’s “I Want To Know What Love Is”, the naked old guys in the gym locker room cover up pretty damn quick.
Me: I hate Asian stereotypes
Also me: *hits a parked car 5 times trying to parallel park for 17 minutes while screaming math obscenities
Me: hello I’ve run out of toilet paper
Front desk: oh I’m sorry for the inconvenience
Me: oh no worries, but I’ve also run out of towels
im not pinning my selfies. forage for me like a little rat
I went to nearby motivational speaker session
Was disappointed
There were no speaker
Just humans
Can you believe it
The photographer’s assistant
Detective: Don’t leave town.
Me, thinking about gas money: Ok
My son just said “I’m sorry I can’t be cute right now, I’m hungry” and I’ve never understood him better.
Canada has Nova Scotia but won’t tell us what happened to Scotia. What are they hiding?
It used to be a 5-second rule before doggo here whittled it down to 2 seconds
My wife had me try three new positions in the bedroom last night. But she ended up wanting the dresser back where it was.
[mothers day]
Norman Bates: I got you flowers, Mother.
Norman Bates dressed as her: Oh I love them.
CAUTION:
Even if your wife uses dual a sim phone, save both the number under one name “WIFE”.Never save it as “Wife 1” & “Wife 2”.
no matter how many times I drown my laundry, it keeps coming back.
In the mornings lately I find evidence of carrots or celery in my daughter’s bed from her late night snacking and I’ve never been more concerned that she might not be mine
Florida mom delivers 14-pound baby after surprise pregnancy .
Florida?? NO PART of this story surprises me.
If I ever met a Space Alien, I’d resist shaking its extended appendage, not knowing for sure the details of alien anatomy.
At 7:00am I dropped my nail file on the floor, so I squatted down to pick it up… And at 7:20am I finally got up!!!
I took my sandwich out of the bag and I saw THIS! I went back and spoke with the manager an demanded an explanation. He looked confused, so I pointed at the writing and asked why someone felt the need to write it. He answered, “because you ordered a BLT with cheese?”🙈
Why did the chicken go to the gym?
To work on his pecks.