@CulturedRuffian: I almost cut my finger off cutting some celery to eat and all I could think is this never happens with cupcakes.
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@jergarl: Wife:Have you seen the bag of dog treats? Me:*flashback of drunk me eating what I thought was a bag of beef jerky.. No? W: Really? Idiot.
@RobinMcCauley: AOL was hacked yesterday so watch out for spam email that looks like it came from 1995.
@Sassafrantz: The Orthodontist wants to pull my daughter's 2 loose baby teeth & charge me $250. I bought the biggest bag of caramels I could find for $5.
@vineyille: FBI: I can’t unlock my phone Genius: is that a fake mustache over your mustache? FBI into earpiece: Operation Twostache has been compromised