I almost cut my finger off cutting some celery to eat and all I could think is this never happens with cupcakes.
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[Beauty and the Beast, Tinder Edition]
BELLE: *swipes left*[credits]
Doctor: I have bad news
Me: oh no
Doctor: I just lost a ton gambling
Me: whew, I thought I was dying-
Doctor: I bet you weren’t dying
Instead of a tweet up,
I think all the twitter crushes should get together for a weekend in the mountains
You know…
A Couples Retweet
Hey, people who solicit a response via text conversation then disappear for hours, I got one thing to say to you…
We have moved and we are trying this thing of living with minimal furniture. So if you need me I am leaning against the bathtub so that I can put on some pants furniturelessly.
You, idiot: Bill Gates
Me, a genius: Invoice Doors
The cashier told me to have a good New Year like my purchase of oven cleaner and frozen pizza suggests anything else.
Telling my kids that the Titanic sunk because Jack and Rose had sex before marriage
Coming soon from the makers of Hamilton:
LINCOLN
Featuring the smash rap hit about the Civil War:
“This could be US, but you slavin’.”
I need to stay off WebMD. Every time I look something up, I’m like, “Oh look. I’m dead already.”
8YR OLD: dad, can we get pizza for dinner tonight?
ME: aw sweetie, I’m sorry…I had pizza for lunch
8: you think I give a damn what you had for lunch?
[explaining the plot of my favorite book to my date]
me: so you know how most caterpillars are only a little hungry?
Husband: What’s with all the barrels of oil in the garage?
Me: THEY WERE ON CLEARANCE, OKAY.
After multiple failed attempts to sleep in my bed my 3yr old came creeping in wearing sun glasses. After being denied once again she said “I tried a disguise this time. I thought for sure it would work.”
3yo: play it again!
Me: I can’t, baby
*3yo throws epic fit*
Radio, you’re tearing this family apart.
Asking people if they’ve started watching that show I recommended so they stop messaging me when I’m not in the mood to chat.
Whenever I think my kids are difficult I try to put it in perspective and think at least they didn’t drink nail polish like my sister did when she was a baby.
If I don’t come when you call my name just rattle a bag of chips
Me: [covered in chocolate, miniaturized, turning into a blueberry, stumbling out of an incinerator, and floating away] I’ll take the job
Willy Wonka:
[costume shop]
Me: I’d like a cloak, please.
Clerk: is plepsi ok?
After a pretty wild late night last night, I was awoken at 8am by my neighbor mowing his lawn.
At first I was going to confront him about it but then I thought, whatever. He can just mow around me.
new career option?
My hot flashes are so bad, I can defrost the freezer in the time it takes to choose a popsicle.
Me: “I’d like to pay by card.”
Waiter: “Contactless?”
Me: “No, you can cuddle me.”
You’d think that the guy in charge of putting pepperoni on frozen pizzas would’ve been up for a performance review by now.
[first date]
HER: if you had to give up one of your senses which one would you choose?
ME: definitely my ability to see dead people.
HER:
Someone’s overfeeding that damn cat.
I mean.. there’s something like Stonehenge in her litter box.
Went to the car wash and asked for one of those Brazilian wax jobs everyone’s been talking about.
I just took my two Dachshunds out for a run and I got passed by a dude riding a skateboard being pulled by two Huskies like some sort of ridiculous Southern California Iditarod and to be honest it looked way more fun than what I was doing.
Therapist: So what’s the problem?
Wife: He thinks he’s a flamingo.
Me: That’s it! I’m putting my foot down.
*lowers foot that was raised*