I almost died last night. I woke up at 3am and MY FOOT WAS HANGING OFF THE EDGE OF THE BED. NOT EVEN UNDER THE COVERS.
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I have no sense of decency. That way all my other senses are enhanced…
absolutely pissing myself over this police chase in LA. man running from police. going over 100mph. but still religiously using his blinker
Let’s normalize using the term “Cooking Wine” to refer to the wine we drink while cooking.
me: I miss handshakes
cannibal: have mine I’m not thirsty
Dispatcher: “The call is coming from inside the house!”
Me, moments from being murdered: “I have a landline?”
Me: one admission please
Movie Theater Attendant: sometimes I wear my wife’s shoes when she’s not home
I think as Canadians we’re so nice because we focus all our hatred on geese
Find yourself a partner who’ll sneak out of bathroom windows with you at holiday parties.
wife: don’t let the kids see you drinking directly from the bottle
me: *putting down the ketchup* ok
[my first attempt at standup]
ME: So, I was at the gym the other day…
MY STALKER (from the back): lol no you weren’t
*changes the spelling of ‘team’ to ‘teaim’*
Well that’s one problem everyone talks about fixed.
My parent trap worked perfectly. I now have five parents.
[god creating elephant]
“overfeed that aardvark”
“The house always wins,” muttered Dorothy as she stared at the witch’s crushed body.
A fun thing to do when someone shows you a picture of their new baby is to look confused and just say “I don’t get it?”
judge: on the count of homicide how do you plead
owl chiropractor: a simple misunderstanding your honor
This year for Halloween I’m putting my kids in a giant bowl on the front step with a sign that says Please Take One.
M: *sweating*
Some Guy: You look hot.
M: *sweaty blushing* thank you
Kissing 101:
1. Open your mouth
2. Wider, that’s it.
3. Stick out your tongue
4. Then walk towards her and pray she doesn’t run away.
Ah yes, time for the biannual gaslighting of the cat, in which I slowly shift meals by 15 minutes at a time for two weeks in a ritual that is both mystifying and infuriating for him.
Warring nations should hurl their politicians at each other.
The girl at Starbucks wrote my name as “Meghen” like I lay eggs or some shit.
The year 2077. Due to the dog filter, face swap, and distortion filters, senior citizens have no idea what they really looked like as teens.
If Twitter really wants to make money, they should let us pay to reduce someone else’s character limit. And take away their vowels.
FamousJerk: Wh t’s h pp n n g??
FamousJerk: H w t f x th s?
FamousJerk: H lp m l n!
[Meeting friends baby]
Me: [bouncing him on my knee] he’s a big boy isn’t he
Friend: yeah he was 11 pounds
Me: wow that’s cheap
*kids walking
Me: Come on, boys! We have to hurry!
Kids: Okay!
*continue walking at exactly the same pace
The person in that bathroom stall would not survive ‘A Quiet Place’
*Me making playground small talk with other parents*
“Congrats on the sex bro”
*posts “Glitter is my favorite color”*
*sits back to smirk while 347 strangers tell me glitter isn’t a color*