I just sneezed and even my dog looked worried.
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[deserted Island]
other survivor: we should only use our water for emergencies
me: *waiting on my sponge dinosaurs to expand* obviously
“I saw mommy kissing santa claus” has the same number of syllables as “I saw someone die at Disney World.” Life’s funny like that.
I’ve dated a guy who collected stained glass and wore bowling gloves so don’t talk to me about standards.
Sometimes I feel like I’m cheating on my recliner with my loveseat, in case you were wondering how emotionally invested I am in laziness.
Motorway in Britain: “Go 40mph for a bit”
You: “Why? What’s happened?”
Motorway: “Absolutely nothing”
Update on Dad Watching Discovery Channel: he just muttered “you son of a bitch” to a Hippo who chased off the lesser-dominate Hippo he liked
8 out of 10 ladies at a karaoke bar who sing,“I Will Survive,” are hoping the enemies who wronged them are in the audience.
Every millennial is obsessed with We Bought a Zoo because the idea of being able to buy any property at all is insane to us.
My dog just looked me in the eye and said “no one is gonna believe you”, then took a nap.
My parents bought my kid Guess Who with a timer because it’s important that she learns stress at 4 years old
‘I dunno, maybe just use that image of the girl who’s about to murder her dad’
[flashback to 1st date]
*cuts round hole in bottom of popcorn
Me: Popcorn?
Her: No thanks.
(Mom reaches from row behind)
“I’ll have some.”
windmills are bad bc they blow god further away from the planet, making it harder for him to hear our prayers
if you really want to capture her heart this Valentine’s Day sculpt her likeness in ham, the most sensual of the smoked meats
[police station]
“sir you get one phone call.”
[calls 911]
“hello 911 what’s your emergency?”
yeah a bunch of pricks are holding me hostage.
All the Kings men: we need some kind of adhesive
All the kings horses: why is everyone looking at us
friend: why do u look sad
me: I have wrongdog
friend: what’s wrongdog
me: *big breath in*
I lost my job because my manager heard me slapping one of the customers. He wasn’t even at work. He heard from home.
Pretty sure marriage was invented to help people overcome their fear of death.
Will you 💍💍 meow meow 💍💍 me?
Yoga was invented in 1301 when a Buddhist monk fell down a big hill slowly.
I just felt a weird twitching somewhere inside me. I think it might be my liver waving a white flag.
Alcohol is photoshop for real life.
Wow, my kids are decorating the heck out of this small lower left section of our Christmas tree.
modern restaurant names either tell you everything about them or nothing. It’s either ‘meat and bread’ or it’s ‘effervescent’ but either way you’re paying $16 for a cocktail
Alexa, set the neighbor’s fire alarms for 3am.
Ice, ice, baby. Ice, ice, baby. – Me taking inventory at the cryogenic infant storage facility.
If you haven’t tried blindfold archery you should give it a go, you don’t know what you’re missing.
me: *gets down on one knee* will you help me make this tree house into a tree home?
girlfriend : *shouts from the ground* I can’t hear you, why can’t I just come up there?
me: no girls allowed
convinced my 44 year old therapist to confront her husband about not liking her instagram posts and left the session feeling so empowered by the realization that while she can’t make me better, i can make us both worse.