I almost drowned trying to swim today. The security guard didn’t even care he just told me to get the hell out of the mall fountain.
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Of course everyone says that their kid is SO smart. No decent parent would ever say, “This is my boy Jack, he’s as dumb as a bag of hair.”
I heard a photographer was killed in a freak accident when a large wheel of cheddar landed on her.
To be fair, the people who were being photographed did try to warn her.
If you really wanna honor the spirit of 2017, instead of kissing someone at midnight, push them off a bridge
Nephew: Do you like Minecraft?
Me: [trying to seem cool] I am interested in how mines are built, yes.
Me, before kids: my kids will not spend their time on electronics.
Me, after kids: iPad is your mom now.
why does the radiologist run behind that wall like they just pulled the pin out of a grenade wtf
I’m glad water isn’t explosive, because with the amount of half-empty bottles rolling around in this car any accident would be an extinction-level event.
So, showing you my sweet excel spreadsheet formulas ISN’T foreplay? I really don’t know what to do with that information.
“Here kitty, kitty, kitty”
– me, drunk, about to get bit by a raccoon
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Ma’am you can’t take that on the plane
ME: This is my therapy ham
Every spider has the same powers as Spiderman, yet none of them choose to be superheroes. This is everything you need to know about spiders.
Boy, there sure are a lot of lonely people on twitter, which is weird because we’re all so pleasant
I don’t see what the big deal is with vaccinating your kids. My mom vaccinated me plenty and I turned out shapes.
my toddler is intentionally throwing food on the floor and then yelling “UH OH” which is maddening as hell and also uncomfortably reminiscent of my own process in life choices
[robot gleefully steals another job from a human]
[.0003 seconds later]
This is crap
Why did I even want this
What have I done
“A computer keyboard has more bacteria than a toilet seat.” I don’t doubt it, given the shit my boss sends us in email.
judge: “you have chosen to defend yourself, is that correct?”
me: [muffled from inside full suit of armour] “that’s correct”
20% of being the BBC Wimbledon presenter is telling people what other telly programmes have been cancelled.
[trying to impress fiancée’s entire family]
Waiter: Your bill for-
Oh I got it! [looks at bill & spits wine] WHO ORDERED THE “SUBTOTAL”?!?
Relationship status – table for one but drinks for two
Remember to kick Friday right in the panty hamster.
uncle ben: remember pete, with great power comes great responsibility
peter parker: you’re right i should stop crimes with my webs
uncle ben (scared): ok.
Oh, so you’re a human?
name three pictures with traffic lights in them
John Wick 4 was so good I wish violence was real
Sorry I overreacted when we both reached for the last piece of pecan pie. I had no idea a fork could penetrate so far into a human forearm.
Idea: Like Google Glass, but a necklace or something that projects a website onto the face of the person talking to you.
Girl: Do you have protection?
Me: Um like a sword?
Her (seductively): Anything special you want tonight for your birthday?
Me: You know what I like in bed, baby.
Her:
Me: *winks*
Her: *leaves the ceiling fan on*
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ᴱ*dolphin diving off a cliff*