I almost drowned trying to swim today. The security guard didn’t even care he just told me to get the hell out of the mall fountain.
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I briefly stepped away from social media to get an idea of what else is going on in the world. For instance, I didn’t realize I was still married.
Now that I have a standing desk I’m adding manual labor to my resume.
We like knowing who the fastest person on earth is.
We don’t know why, or how this information will be useful, but we like to know it all the same.
Children are so giving. For example, my kids gave me a cold.
Me trying to “trust the process”
Me: I’m a mature adult woman who can handle anything
Also me: *has to pack my blankie wherever I go or I can’t sleep*
Mornin
I read a list earlier today of toxic things one should avoid
Anyway, thought of you
“Is that a banana in your pocket or…a dead banana?” -Schrödinger
When you give someone a present, unless you say “open it”, they’re legally not allowed to look inside.
Maybe she’s boing with it. Maybe it’s trampoline.
All I’m saying is if you wake up in the middle of the night to pee and see that it’s only 11:30pm, you might be getting old.
Me: I hate math.
Also me: If I cut my shower down to three minutes and breakfast down to five, I can hit the nine-minute snooze three more times and only be five minutes late.
Cop: License?
Me: Here.
Cop: Sir this is a notecard with “Liscence” on it. And above that you wrote and crossed out “Lysense” and “Lisance.”
The love I feel for my family is always constant. My tolerance is another matter.
NYT: No, we did not make Wordle harder. We promise.
Also NYT: Today’s Wordle is KHYBX — which everyone knows is a popular 11th century Latin delicacy derived from quicksand extract. Duh.
I lifted up my t-shirt to check out my abs and last night’s taco residue fell out so there’s that.
Date: I know a lot of dance styles
Me: *trying to impress* Uh me too
Date: Any ballroom?
Me: Yeah, my pants are relaxed fit
Date: What
Me: What
My boss always calls me Sweetypie when he wants me to get him coffee..I estimate he’s swallowed a bucket of my spit in the last 4 years..
The tooth fairy audits you if you have a gap between your teeth.
Baby wood ducks hurl themselves 60’ from nests in tree cavities a day after they hatch but sure son, I can bring your laundry downstairs
Add mushrooms to any salad for that farm fresh taste of dirt.
15 yo daughter has a friend over and suddenly 13 yo son wants to walk around curling dumbbells.
Start a slow-clap in a quiet, crowded room. The first person that joins you, marry them. They’re your soulmate.
[being stabbed]
me: please, just do one thing for me…
murderer: I know, I know…delete your browser history. I’ve heard that 4 times today
Tilda Swinton is the last person on Earth, having solely survived the apocalypse. A tumbleweed rolls by. She picks it up and eats it. ‘Delicious,’ she says, as she gets down on all fours then gallops into the night.
“You like mayonnaise? Prove it.” – Costco
The Batcave was 14 miles outside of Gotham City. Close enough for Batman to fight crime, far enough away for Bruce Wayne to avoid ridiculous tax rates.
Me: Damn dog is under the covers again!
Wife: No she’s not. She’s next to the bed.
Me: Oh.
Wife: …
Me: Might be time to shave your legs.
When my phone rings, I stay very, very still. If I don’t move, it can’t see me.