@andreeahluscu: I almost got hit by a car this morning and the scariest part was that my last words would have been "whoa there chap"
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@iRowlf: When my son loses his 1st tooth, Im putting $1 under his pillow and a note that says "I'll be back with a hammer for the rest. -Tooth Fairy"
@JB4Realz: [Marriage Counseling] Wife: He's always messing up even the simplest phrases. Me: I THOUGHT we were gonna keep that on the download...
@WittySassBasket: If I had all the money, I would pay people to sneak up behind you and blast a bullhorn right before you hit send on a political tweet.
@rickolantern: They grow up so fast. My nephew lost his first tooth Saturday night In a fight a with a bouncer