GF: just FYI, my dad teaches at the Naval Academy
[meeting her parents]
ME: [lifting up shirt] does my belly button look weird to you?
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13 pulled me away from my desk “to come and taste the pizza she made” and incidentally a sink full of dishes ready to wash.
I don’t like the idea of bacteria in my yogurt so I mix it with hand sanitizer. It cuts down on the taste, but I sleep better at night.
Date: Why are you so nervous?
Me: I’ve never seen talking fruit before
I don’t care how much you pay for sushi- you are getting a raw deal.
[first date w/ someone who works on an online support chat window]
me: [pulls away from passionate kiss goodnight] this was fun, let’s do i it again sometime…
her: definitely
me: [turns to walk away]
her: thanks for chatting. is there anything else I can help you with today?
I realize climate change may be a problem but it doesn’t have retail employees I can record myself yelling at so what do you want from me
Me: oh wow, do I detect just a hint a peppermint?
Cellmate: *stabbing me in the neck with a Candy Cane shiv* what is wrong with you?!
The guy who discovered boomerangs must have been terrified
Rubbing a fire hydrant like a magic lamp, but instead of a genie, all I got was dog pee on my hands. Which was my wish, so we’re all good. Anyway, it doesn’t look like you’ve been flossing.
So if you eat what you like and don’t exercise, eventually you get a motorised scooter.
I’m really not seeing the down side here.
During the first confessional I filmed for Is It Cake I said “I didn’t come here to make friends I came here to make cakes” and the producer said “Please never say that again.”
It’s 4:20 do you know what that means?!?
It means only 40 minutes left to get 8 hours of work done.
[phone sex]
GF: Tell me you want me
ME: I want you badly
GF: How badly?
ME: I want you [checking thesaurus in a panic] haphazardly
You can’t buy gifts from a sex offender registry. I know this now.
[town square in a thunderstorm]
Galileo: Thunderbolt and lightning very very frightening me.
His mom: Gallileo! Galileo!
Galileo Figaro!! *hands him an umbrellaGalileo: magnifico!! *gets big hug from mom*
Galileo: mama mia, mama mia let me go *looking around embarrassed*
Guy on the plane threw a fit about sitting next to my Therapy Scorpion
Wife: [watching the news] oh God, did you see Petsmart got robbed?!
Me: [loud barks coming from all 19 pockets of my parachute pants] nope
GF: every time we fight you start interpretive dancing
*i dance beautifully for 12 minutes*
GF: I DONT KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS!
[clown interview]
Why become a professional clown?
me: [picturing getting hit in the face with cream pies every day] um I like kids
Don’t worry. Artificial intelligence will never replace actual ignorance.
“I’m really good in bed”
-Ice cream
I feel melancoll, meloncholl, melancholl, meloncholy, you know what, I’m good.
Life is like a box of chocolates. People repeating the same movie quotes over and over until words have no meaning peanut tambourine ocelot
Watched my neighbor pull off this morning with his coffee on top of his car.
I could have warned him, but I’m out of stuff to watch.
*Hums Every Breath You Take in grocery line
*Gets arrested for stalking 3 people
[freezing huddled around fire]
Dont worry I brought blankets to keep us warm *throws blankets on fire* that should last a good half hour
Nice try horror movies, but everyone in my generation is already terrified to answer their phones
Nice try Mormons moms, but no amount of propaganda could trick me into being a good wife!
Rumor has it, that if you look up from your phone you can see all kinds of pretty colors in the trees this time of year.
Watching “Poltergeist” as a kid was scary af.
Adult me: Is all that covered under homeowners?