I almost hit a deer tonight. But then he took back what he said about my mom and we hugged it out.
Back to having zero haters, feels good.
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I think
Therefore I am
Tongue tied
If my dog doesn’t like you, then I don’t like you. Unless you’re hot, then the dog can go in the crate for a couple hours.
ME, my last day as a doctor: Sir, your sugar is dangerously high. You need to eat less… *checking the notes on my hand*… crabs.
If the Earth was really flat, all the cats would have pushed everything off it by now.
If you’re wondering what good can come from all of this, at least they’re now putting tamper seals on pizza boxes.
Why would I pay for a haunted house when I can wake up to my kid silently standing by my bed at 5 AM.
6500 languages in the world and you decide you want to talk shit.
Fun prank:
1. Steal your married friends phone
2. Change your name to ‘Brandi from the club’
3. Call repeatedly at 3AM and hang up
What a shocker.
I just ran my car through the car wash.
And it turns out the car is white.
“did you ever get married?”
[wife looks around her old gym at high school reunion and sees me debating if I can touch the rim] no
Them: Pain is just weakness leaving the body!
Me: Yes, but also sometimes pain is just last night’s extra hot burrito leaving the body too!!
Lamaze instructor: What are you doing in here? You certainly aren’t pregnant.
Him: Doesn’t this class teach breathing to enhance relaxation & decrease pain?
Well I have teenagers.Instructor: Welcome to class.
I wake my daughter up by tossing pebbles at her window so the first time a suitor tries she’ll have the same response we do to alarm clocks
triscuits is short for scuit scuit scuit
My 2yo held my face in his hands and whispered oh-so seriously: “don’t go to work daddy, stay with me.”
And so, I am never going to work again.
I hope Prince Harry and Emma Watson last because if they have a son, it will be the half-blood prince.
I picked up 13 from a function tonight and he brought back a whole pizza left over. I ate a slice on the way home. Then I realized oh shit I’m 40 and oh shit it’s 9pm.
women who kind of look like Kate Middleton with the right pair of sunglasses on have the opportunity to do the funniest thing possible
Me: So now you will deep dive into my lore?
Interviewer: Well, we prefer to call it a background check.
Anyone that says 100kg of feathers weighs the same as 100kg of steel hasn’t considered the additional weight of having to live with knowing what you did in order to procure 100kg of feathers.
Me: You know, one nice thing about being snowed in all weekend is we haven’t had to spend any money.
Wife: (clicking add to cart) So nice.
*The First Ever Rodeo
“…Does anyone know what we’re supposed to do?”
Stopped on the highway.
Officer: Any drugs? Alcohol?
Me: No thanks, I got everything.
Me, age 18: I’ll be a homeowner by the time I’m in my 30s
Me, in my 30s: I own a single pair of matching socks
i ordered the mcdonald’s land air and sea burger and my stomach quit in the middle of its shift
People don’t disappear in the Bermuda Triangle like they used to.
Has anyone tried switching it off and back on again?
I find it odd that when someone dies we refer to them as late, my late Aunt Polly. Aunt Polly isn’t late, she’s not coming.
girlfriend: I’m seeing someone behind your back
me: *believes in ghosts* is it my grandpa
Google, Microsoft and Disney are
among suitors for TwitterWill it be
Twoogle ?
Twindows ?
The Wonderful World of Tweets ?Be prepared
Let me sing you the song of my people
*moves and 97 joints pop*