I almost wish the guy I’m stalking would find me and call the cops. These bushes are scratchy and my legs are cramping.
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People are always like “you’re so crazy” and I’m all like “please take off the restraints, I promise I won’t do it again”.
Took the kids to the park so wifey could get a break.
5, loudly, as soon as he steps inside: Hmmmm, it’s still a mess in here!
Me: *locking him inside and walking away* You’re on your own now buddy!
They say the best part of having sex with a mom are the snacks after, but you have to earn that. If the sex is mediocre you’re getting a glass of water and a little box of raisins.
The forest creatures begin stampeding.
You turn to me, clearly scared.
“We have no reason to fear the animals,” I reassure you.
You smile nervously. “Thank go—”
“Worry about whatever’s spooking them.”
I think we should hear other voices.
There are three types of people:
1. Annoying people
2. Annoying people I am sleeping with
3. People I haven’t met
Toasters must work on some exponential scale. Two minutes barely toasted. Ten more seconds burned beyond recognition.
Pearly whites? I assume you mean my legs.
I jokingly asked my mom if I was born with a tail and she started acting all weird like someone who gave birth to a baby with a tail
One time I smashed my face into a keyboard and accidentally wrote the fifth Twilight book.
12 decided he’s into vinyl, so he got a record player for Christmas. His new name is DJ TURNITDOWN!
ME: I’m heading to the shop
ROOMMATE: What are you going to get?
ME: [wearing a wedding dress] Compliments
Grimace: *commits crimes against the United States*
Law Enforcement: “We believe we’ve identified the purpletraitor”.
*drops pizza slice on the floor
Hey can I get another slice?
*eats slice that fell on the floor then eats new slice
Ummm
If someone finds a long red hair in the meal I’ve prepared, I yell “YOU WIN” and toss them a piece of candy.
We now return to ‘CANADIAN SNIPER’
*canadian sniper shoots an enemy*
*canadian sniper yells ‘sorry’ from far away*
Brew coffee. Chill coffee. Use coffee instead of water to make Twice-Brewed Coffee. Win Nobel Prize. Begin to glow, levitate. Eat building.
Never seen a bar fight break out while people are drinking wine. Beer, yes. Hard liquor, yes. But not wine.
I’m not lazy
*weighs self*
“Shit”
*takes clothes off*
“GODDAMMIT”
*takes tampon out*
dumbledore, completely wasted: I should have know you’d be here professor mcgonagall
some random cat:
My nose won’t stop running.
But, to be fair, it’s the only part of my body that’s still in shape.
Did you ever see someone yawn, and then yawn yourself? That psychological reaction is a phenomenon known as: “Katherine Heigl movies.”
me: i feel like you only want me for my body :/
the demonic spirit possessing me: no elle, why would you think that?
I lost my virginity once and lemme tell you…
NEVER. AGAIN.
You know it’s time for a pedicure when you can exfoliate one foot with the other one
My daughter had a friend who comes over that makes my other kids look less weird. I wish she was here more often.
Unicorns: *just jabbing holes in everything*
Noah: nope.