If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would pick alive almost every time that way they can split the check
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Me: A wizard is never late. Nor is he early. He arrives precisely when he means to.
Boss: You work at Quiznos, stupid. And you’re fired.
[bank]
I’d like to pay this into my account
[empties pockets full of cat teeth]
OMG I’m so sorry [takes card back] that’s the wrong account
Told my 8yo he had to go outside and play for awhile before he was allowed to play more playstation
He refused because, “That’s bribery, Dad!” 😂
Hiring Manager: Your resume is impressive but what experience do you have in the field?
Me: Frolicking, stopping to smell the roses- typical field stuff sir
You learn a lot about someone when you marry them. For example , I learned I should have married someone else.
ME DURING BRITISH BAKE OFF EPISODE 01: so they just bake?
ME DURING BRITISH BAKE OFF EPISODE 10: alice better mind the claggy weather if she’s to produce a biscuit with a proper snap after disappointing paul with an garish proof on her loa
I predict that Obama’s next move is to threaten to hold his breath until Russia leaves the Crimea.
The only difference between an outpatient mental health facility and a bar is the lighting.
this country is so goddamn polarized
My husband and I don’t keep score. Mostly because neither of us have that kind of memory capacity.
[phone rings]
“Is your refrigerator running?”
*looks over at fridge holding a lighter up to a spoon*
“I don’t know what he’s doing anymore.”
Don’t cry because it’s over smile because you had a solid alibi & no one will ever find the body.
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me: [starts testing all the smoke detectors]
sometimes. i will yawn really big. and soon after. the human will also yawn. i have yet to decide. what to do with my powers
[God creating lizards]
God: How about a snake with arms and legs?
Snake: [trys to throw its arms up in disgust, but just remains very still]
I bet there is a Home Alone script where the parents purposely leave for the airport without any of the kids.
My almost 2 y/o can now open our pantry door and that MF’er won’t stop bringing me cans of soup.
Tween: Mom, can you take me to the mall to go to Abercrombie?
Me: Awe, I used to shop there when I was your age.
Tween: Nevermind.
Got a new end table for the living room and no one has noticed but try to get rid of a toy my kids haven’t played with in five years and everyone notices
Life tip – buy a birthday card with your morning bottle of wine and people will think it’s a gift.
You are welcome.
“Voop voop voop voop voop voop voop voop voop.”
-corduroys
Me: why is my water bill always so high?
Me in shower:
ME: *sighs* yep, story of my life
EDITOR: please stop saying that every time you hand me a draft of your autobiography
i like how ppl mess with ouija boards then are all like omg why are demons trying to eat my soul like you did this to yourself bro.
“So what kind of comedy will you be doing for us?”
“The usual, self defecating.”
“Ha, I think you mean deprecating.”
“Think all you like.”
Judas: The one I kiss is Jesus Christ.
Soldier: You can just point to him.
Judas: (putting on lip-balm) I don’t tell you how to do your job.
Crossover ideas
– 50 Shades of Grey’s Anatomy
– Tiger King and I
– Orange is the New Black Mirror
– Captain Marvellous Mrs Maisel
– Breaking Bad Boys
My stove is the most expensive cigarette lighter I’ve ever purchased.
DOCTOR: What’s the matter?
ME: I don’t know. Sometimes I feel like I’m a bad husband.
DOCTOR: I meant with your wife.
ME: Oh her water broke or something.