I always ask Subway workers if THEY want double meat, then wink.
Then I get kicked out.
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Dog people always act like dogs are so much better than cats but as a cat person just wanna say that you never see cats working with the cops
Post more gym selfies so I know who to call when I need to move
For a moment I thought it was Saturday, but then I realized it’s actually Sunday. The good news is now I have a story to tell at parties
i told the bus driver he was hot when i got off the bus because life’s short but now he’s my driver on the way back too so turns out life is long
I never eat coins in front of vending machines because I don’t want them to fall in love with me.
Following Facebook saga of a missing cat. The husband rang his wife to say he’d found it but it was hissing at him and fighting with their other cats. When wife got home the cat he’d found was a different colour, size and sex to the missing cat. He’d kidnapped someone else’s cat.
changed my bio on bumble to “I’m gonna murder ur whole family” and guys still responded
Ever miss somebody so much that you wonder why you became a sniper in the first place?
Just took an antibiotic and a probiotic and now my body will fight itself to the death!
*passive aggressively turns off Christmas lights when someone stops too long to look at them*
Oh, you lost your phone and it’s on silent? That’s too bad. If you liked it then you should’ve put a ring on it.
My professor handed back our 3 page film essays to my surprise I got a C after class I asked her why “you were supposed to write it about the movie The Emperor of Time.. you wrote it on The Emperor’s new Groove but it was kinda good so I didn’t fail you” so thats how im doing
‘THERE IS NO SHOUTING ON THE BUS!’ she shouted.
“asparagai” is what i call multiple asparagus, but don’t take my word for it. get your own word for multiple asparagus
A tenable situation implies the existence of an elevenable situation
Kids, in my day we didn’t have text messaging. We had to write a “Do you like me? Yes or no?” note and pass it through 17 mutual friends.
“I’m not a prude BUT” – you’re a prude
“I hate the drama BUT” – you love the drama
“I’m not sure what you mean BUT” – you know damn well what I mean
Me in my 20’s: I graduated with honors
Me in my 40’s: I beat Waze to work
And it was upon finishing my 5th glass of wine that I realised that buying a 16 year old male chimpanzee from Facebook marketplace was the best idea I had ever had.
Anyone know how soon I should start roasting our Christmas turkey so I can be sure it will be nice and dry enough in time for the big day?
A time capsule but it’s just the back of the fridge
How much for the goth pool noodles?
The biggest lie in advertising is someone taking a bite of a hard shell taco & it not immediately exploding in their hands.
Don’t think that computers should be allowed to make those ‘dun-dun’ error noises at me. It’s not polite. I am trying my best.
At the end of first grade, my teacher said “your handwriting was pretty good, at the beginning of the year” and that is how I learned about backhanded compliments
Got disqualified from the rap battle for being too dope*
*trying to start a tickle fight
When my kids are grown, I’m coming over to their house and taking their forks and then scattering them around town.
[God creating penguins]
I want a bird that doesn’t fly but loves to swim, and make sure you dress it classy AF.
I mowed the grass before a huge storm, and now my wife gets to hear me say “Good thing I mowed when I did!” all weekend
[Entomologist Meeting]
Guy 1: We found a new, wingless bug. Name ideas?
Guy who named the fly: A crawl?
G 1: Shut your goddamn mouth Todd