I always assume people with red cars were drunk when they went to the dealership.
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EVERY MOVIE TRAILER NOW:
We hear a single piano key play.
A shot of a basketball court at dusk.
Sally Field [V.O.] “Your grandfather was…complicated. There’s a lot you don’t know, can’t understand.”
A children’s choir starts singing “In the Air Tonight” by Phil Collins.
Maybe pack emergency supplies and not thirty-five different steam punk outfits next time.
My kid yelled she couldn’t wait to be an adult so I handed her the bills, threw the laundry on her bed, replaced her pizza with cauliflower, redirected my student loan calls to her phone and demanded she get me a snack every time she tried to go to the restroom.
IKEA employees are just the souls of previous shoppers that couldn’t find the exit
*screaming at the smoke alarm*
DOES THIS SEEM HELPFUL TO YOU???
ME: all of these expired do you have any newer ones
CORONER: no
Putin takes over entire world while everybody searches for the missing plane.
Me: *parks in “pregnant women only” parking spot after overeating at the buffet*
Stranger: Oh wow, you look like you’re going to pop! When are you due?
Me: Probably in like 24-30 hours.
“New Year, New Me” gets easier every year cause I keep setting the bar lower and lower
Matilda could move things with her mind and she could do it without getting a goddamn nosebleed, it burned absolutely no energy for her no matter how heavy the object, therefore she could absolutely destroy Eleven in a schoolyard telekinesis battle. In this essay I will
So I harvested my tomato today, it’s bound to be good considering the $43.29 I invested to plant it.
[first date]
Her: I like guys that are spontaneous.
Waiter: Soup or salad, sir?
Me: [maintains intense eye contact with her] SURPRISE ME
Welcome to parenthood. The expression “slept like a baby” doesn’t mean what you think it means.
While you guys were wasting your time talking about politics I got banned from the Yahoo Answers ‘Horse’ section
ME: Well, time to make like a tree, and leaf.
HER: *giggling* So, my place or…
ME: *starts sprouting leaves from my fingers*
HER: WHAT THE
Qualifications for a job with the Kenyan government.
1. You must be old. Really old…like above 75 years old.
2.The older you’re, the higher your chances.
3. Death is an added advantage.
Me: Excuse me, may I have a straw please?
*entire restaurant gasps*
I thought I put my 9 year old to bed hours ago and he just casually walked out of the playroom and said, “Think I’ll go to bed now, I’m beat.”
It’s 11:15 pm.
*pours one out for my dad on Father’s Day*
*my dad’s ghost yells at me for wasting good vodka*
I was at the emergency vet for 8 hours last night before it turned out you have to be a dog
I could be an astrononaut. If it wasn’t for the in shape part. Or the science. Or the going into space.
A spider just watched me open a pickle jar and then it committed suicide.
Runner dad at the park: guess how many miles I ran this morning?
My 7yo: I don’t know, 30 million?
Him: No, 12
7yo: Oh. Well keep working on it. Never give up!
interviewer: why’d u quit ur last job
me: the company moved
interviewer: where to
me: they didn’t tell me
Bank ads make me want to hide my money under my mattress.
They also make me want to acquire some money for hiding, but that’s a side issue.
I have an oven with a ‘stop time’ button. It’s probably meant to be ‘stop timer’ but I don’t touch it, just in case.
When a cop asks if you know why you were pulled over, respond, “I’m actually not allowed to discuss the details of the case”
Ever look in a mirror wondering about the stranger staring back & then realize it’s your neighbor’s window and they’re calling the cops?
Oops I accidentally set the east coast to sepia
when the moon is out in the middle of the day it’s like oh no they called you in on your day off