I always assumed the movie “Grease” got its title from how those characters managed to fit into those pants.
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Dr: You need to stop touching your face
Me: But it feels really nice, try it
Dr: *strokes my cheek* OMG, nurse come check this out
There should be an Uber for somebody to come over and wrap all your presents.
The good news is that my appetite has come back. The bad news is that my appetite has come back.
I thought I was experiencing early menopause but it turned out one of my kids set the thermostat to 87°.
Sorry I was late for geometry class, I got on the rhombus
The Pillsbury Doughboy has died. Services will be at 350 degrees for 30-40 minutes.
Too bad they cancelled the Chicago Marathon I was going to run it this year
“we’re broke? how is that possible?”
(extremely high pitched voice)
no idea
“did you-”
*opens closet & hundreds of helium tanks fall out*
After moving approximately 35 times in about as many years I’m here to tell you that you’ll keep the people who matter most. What you’ll miss are the restaurants.
Wolverines are just smaller, easier to peel wolves.
My fortune cookie message read :
“You appeal to a small, select group
of confused people” ….Uh huh ….
i’m gonna write my will in cursive. if you want your inheritance, you’re gonna have to work for it
Sorry I overreacted when we both reached for the last piece of pecan pie. I had no idea a fork could penetrate so far into a human forearm.
Is Craigslist still around, or did everyone over there get murdered?
I am “cool” and “chill” and “stuck inside the walk in freezer.”
It’s so condescending when self-defense instructors tell you to never go to a second location with your kidnapper, like, sir, do you even understand how a kidnapping works? I’m not trying to go ANYWHERE
Virgo: Today fortunes will be reversed! You will abduct an alien and none of its friends will believe you.
[my funeral]
PRIEST: we are here for Robert-
*one guy in the back of the room boos*
My cat did not flinch once when the fireworks were going off for hours, but he did yell at me for moving my leg 1 millimeter to the left.
my four year old daughter is calling geese “honkeys” and I should probably correct her but I won’t
You found poison in his stomach? But he HATED poison!
Humankind: *evolves sophisticated language skills over thousands of years*
Guys talking to women online: Hey
[at the drug store]
Employee: May I help you, sir?
Me (nervously): YEAH, I’M LOOKING FOR SOMETHING CALLED A “CHILL PILL”
google logo keeps changing its appearance because it killed a man in Tampa in 1999 and has to stay ahead of the law
peeping toms
Damn girl, are you a plate of microwaved leftovers? Because you’re hot on the outside and cold on the inside.
I never knew the word “mom” could even have 7 syllables until I had kids.
♫ Is this the real life?
Are you a manatee?
Let’s beat up french fries
I should lay off the LSD ♫
I gave this homeless guy $5 and an old lady behind me told me he’s just going to use it for drugs, so I confronted him and asked where I could also get drugs for $5
Dating as an adult is hard because even when you do meet somebody you like there are very few opportunities to engineer a situation so that you’re cast opposite one another in a school play.