I thought my house was falling down but it’s just my 4 year old working on his drum solo with my pots and pans
You Might Also Like
my brain: you have over a thousand unread emails
me: yes
my brain: are you ever going to read them?
me: no
my brain: then delete them
me: no
idk how to explain it but this cat Iook british 😭😭
A level of petty I can get with 🤣
I was pretty nervous doing stand-up in front of a bunch of nudists but then I imagined the crowd in their underwear and it helped so much.
Stop picking up fawns.
You are not a Disney princess.
And even if you are, don’t.
I need a house elf. No weirdos tho.
The only thing I love more than an open mind is an open bar.
If you are experiencing joint pain, you are probably holding the lit end.
Kid: “You know in Minecraft when..”
“No.”
[me as a cop]
Me: Mrs Hill?
Woman: yes
Me: it’s Ms Hill now
Woman: huh
Me: ur husbands dead
Woman: h-how?
Me [hand on her shoulder]: he died
Me: WHAT DO WE WANT?!
Funeral attendees:
Me (whispering): Grandma back.
If I ever go missing and theres a big search party out looking for me, you can save time by not looking at any gyms.
[texting]
me: touching my duck n thinking of you
her: gross, go to hell
me: *patting my duck’s head* don’t worry quack sparrow, she didn’t mean it
Woman to friend at store: We can get shrimp for people who don’t eat meat!
Me: don’t forget the cheese for the lactose intolerant people!
If you think my grey hair tells a story, you should see the unmarked graves in my back yard.
my husband said we need to start exercising and get into shape so I’m going to wake up early tomorrow and start looking for a new husband
I just found out my dad carries around my 4YO’s toy car with him. When he feels stressed or sad, he reaches into his pocket and holds it. I’m teary-eyed thinking about how my child’s object brings my father comfort, but damn, we’ve been looking for that.
Eggnog is one of my top ten favorite nogs
I’m so sick of unexpected character deaths for shock value. This is a terrible pilates video.
*drinking my first beer with my dad*
“I can’t believe you made me eat the other ones”
Here’s one of the dumbest thoughts I’ve ever had: I got a coupon for a new car wash place, which was great because my car was really dirty. I noticed that the address was close to my house and thought: “Oh, this is close. Maybe I can just walk?”
[looking at family picture]
Me: Such good times
3yr old son: But I’m not in the pic
Me: *ruffles his hair* I know, buddy
Lionel Richie: You are the sun, you are the rain
The Sun: What’s his deal?
The Rain: Weird
The Ceiling: You guys don’t even know
The older I get, the more I understand why Squidward is always so annoyed.
Back in 2012 my wife & I were the victims of a horrific & terrifying home invasion that left us mentally scarred & unable to sleep. But our daughter’s 5 now & we’ve actually grown quite fond of her.
my favorite coworker in meetings:
2019: whoever brings snacks
2020: whoever offers to take notes
2021: whoever cancels the meeting
It still hurts that my parents never came to any of my violin recitals. I never bought their flimsy excuses, like “You’ve never had any lessons” and “You don’t even have a violin” and “That’s a banjo and a stick.”
These aliens are taking forever.
I stapled her tongue to the desk for humming Ke$ha all day and I really think the HR guy isn’t listening to my side of the story.
Every so often I Google my name hoping someone stole my identity and made a better something out of myself.