Hey people that twitter says are “similar to me”, where do people like us put our car keys?!?!?!
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If not for the cowardly actions of John Wilkes Booth, Abraham Lincoln would have turned 207 today.
I’m sitting next to a beautiful woman at a bar so now it’s only a matter of time before nothing happens.
always think about a caveman losing a baby tooth and being like “this can’t be good” and then several years later losing an adult tooth and thinking “no big deal it’ll grow back”
I thought I put my 9 year old to bed hours ago and he just casually walked out of the playroom and said, “Think I’ll go to bed now, I’m beat.”
It’s 11:15 pm.
Get married so you can spend the rest of your life closing kitchen drawers and cabinets.
Prince: I’m deleting dating apps so I can find love the old fashioned way (by kissing dead girls in the woods while 7 short people watch)
Me: Let’s go to the store.
5 yo: Why?
M: For food.
5: Why?
M: So we can eat.
5: Why?
M: To stay alive.
5: Why?
M: I have no idea.
Accepting water from a salesperson is a sign of weakness. *faints from dehydration*
I failed art in middle school on purpose just so my report card would say “F-Art” and if that dedication to a vision isn’t worthy of an A+ in art I don’t know what is.
Standing in the liquor store, trying to decide if tonight’s dose of self-loathing and regret should have a screw-top or a cork.
I will never forget the time that I helped interview a man for a job opening and when he was asked what he would contribute to the team he said “probably snacks”
He’s an owl with an attitude. She’s a hawk who will take him to church. This fall, Sundays become Fundays on ABC’s new hit ‘Birds of Pray’!
My kid just yanked out a loose tooth and set it next to the flowers he got me, and is that…is that part of the gift
I have some cake and now I’m eating it too. Not seeing the problem here.
No matter how much I shake my phone, you still won’t come out. Are you stuck? I think you’re stuck.
[commercial for rakes]
“Are u tired of eating leaves?”
My weight loss plan is going so disastrously I’m giving serious consideration to getting a cannibal involved.
sometimes when I finish eating a bag of microwave popcorn I try to eat a couple unpopped kernels just to convince myself it’s really over
It’s not illegal to convince your child that she is the only person who can see the sun and must never talk about it.
Ran into the librarian I’ve been trying to impress in the Target book section and awkwardly blurted out “I’m just here to buy a TV,” which was way worse of course.
Grandmas be like, “My grandchild murdered someone? Oh, poor baby was probably just overtired.”
The ending of platonic relationships is way harder because it’s someone looking at your personality alone and being like no thanks
if i was gandalf, i absolutely wouldn’t make four tiny little shoeless bumpkin boys a core part of my crack team to defeat a goblin mega-hitler, but it worked so fair play to him
I bet kangaroos get drunk and find some ridiculous shit in their pouches in the morning.
COP: step outta the car
ME: k
COP: are u carrying any drugs
ME: [a mousetrap is in my pocket] i don’t remember but i do consent to a search
Date: so you’re a handyman?
Me: no I just do odd jobs
Date: like what
Me: yesterday I taught a duck karate
Finally figured out the reason I look so bad in photos. It’s my face
Drank too much Red Bull and puked in some bushes, now three of them are breakdancing and one is taking me hang gliding next weekend.
zordon: YOU ARE MY POWER RANGERS
9th graders: whoa!
zordon: HERE ARE THE KEYS TO THE MEGAZORD
9th graders: but we don’t even have our driver’s licens–
zordon: GO GO POWER RANGERS
ME: *flipping over a saltine like a Tarot card* Oh that’s not good.