@delusionaliam: I always carry a clump of my hair in my pocket so when people say "I like your haircut", I can respond with, "Thanks, here, have some."
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@BigRadMachine: I was once accused of stealing money from work. I didn't do it but it was nice to know management also thought I wasn't getting paid enough.
@_wangwe: Judge: Did you commit murder? Me: I'm a man. I'm afraid of commitment. Judge: hahaha! Me: hahaha! Judge: Life.
@PeaceInTruth1: *calls lost & found* Me: Have you seen my patience? L&F: Hold on a second. Me: *click*
@murrman5: [in a meeting] ok a Dracula movie except he's new in town and biting is illegal but he befriends the pastors daught- "that's just Footloose"