@delusionaliam: I always carry a clump of my hair in my pocket so when people say "I like your haircut", I can respond with, "Thanks, here, have some."
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@envydatropic: My doctor prescribed a med that has "weight loss" as a side effect......I've never wanted to overdose so much in my life!
@AngelaEhh: OMG you guys. I just got asked out. By a real live guy. I don't know what to do!? Play dead? Duck and roll? I'm so confused!!
@Mr_Kapowski: My favorite sushi bar is the one where you can yell "ARF, ARF" like a seal and the chef throws raw fish in your mouth
@thatUPSdude: Me: This infomercial is so stupid. *10 mins later* Me: So all I have to pay on the 2nd one is the shipping and handling?