I always carry a condom.
I never know when things are going to get hot & heavy & I’ll have to throw a sturdy water balloon at someone.
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God creating the duck: waterproof that chicken and give it a kazoo
Explained how to make an April Fools Day joke to Miss 9.
“Mummy, you look pretty today.”
If you’re on the fence about becoming a parent.
“A little help here, Danny?”
*pulls lighter from bra*
*lights smoke*Where’s the shit you made me at school?
[Commercial for babies]
*100 year old woman trying to feed a brick a bottle of milk*
“There’s got to be a better way”
why does every fantasy novel have to start like “He was from Treador, an island of the Kellestaron archipelago, some 5,000 leagues west of the Dribicular mountains but north of —“ YO I’M NOT FROM HERE, JUST TELL ME WHO HAS A SWORD AND WHAT THE SWORD IS NAMED
You know how people play video games by pushing all the buttons at once?
That’s how I’m handling adulthood.
Men eventually reach the age when they greet each other with “There he is.”
Who’s drunk
*raises leg
Just did the math and found out I can retire next year if I start saving $144,468.02 a month.
Me: I consider myself a pretty easygoing guy
Also me: *gets angry about the size of box amazon uses*
[runs to the door to greet wife]
I’m afraid there’s been a terrible accident involving all the things you asked me to do today.
I don’t think AI should be used to make content…BUT…if there were a way for the paw patrol to tell my son by name that if he doesn’t go to bed they will arrest him…
Meets girl at bar.
Takes her to Ikea.Quickly learns the difference between one-night stand and one nightstand.
BREAKING NEWS: Rihanna won’t be attending this year’s #MetGala after a back injury sustained from carrying the entire weight of the event for years.
It must be such a rush to be a predator and feel the need to chase and catch something while at the SAME TIME thinking “That looks delicious.”
Like imagine if donuts could run.
2005 Single
2006 Single
2007 Single
2008 Single
2009 Single
2010 Single
2011 Single
2012 Single
2013 Single
2014 Single
2015 Single
2016 Single
2017 Single
2018 SingleReward me for consistency please
[first day as hotdog vendor] I’m sorry, these are not for sale
got three hours sleep & i fell great! seems li the less less sleep I get the move alarr et u ambdcim
My son on the morning of his prom: “Well, it just occurred to me that I paid $130 to go to my school at night.”
“You know what pal, lay your own damn eggs” – jerk chicken
him, leaving for work: we still need to talk about your soap opera addiction
me: *walks away and stares out the window as the rain starts to fall* just go
Batman could have used his wealth to help Gotham’s poor and disenfranchised. But no, we really needed another violent leather fetishist.
“Do me a solid” just sounds like you’re asking someone to poop for you and that’s kinda gross.
Just found out my 6yo has mono and the doctor who diagnosed her asked if anyone in the house has similar symptoms, including excessive fatigue. Um, Sir, based on that alone, I’ve had mono since 2009.
I’m installing a generous 4 minute timer on my forehead so that chatty people know when it’s time to wrap this up.
Pooping on the clock is the small-scale revolt of the working class in preparation for the people’s revolution.
5: what’s for dinner
Me: chicken
5: cow chicken or human chicken?
“can you send us a writing sample?” no but i can send you multiple screenshots of me killing it in the group chat
Sorry, baby. My phone number is older than you.