@osno13: i always carry a condom in my wallet incase i can't finish my corndog
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@daemonic3: "Ok, what chemical symbol should we give this Gold?" *thief runs by, steals gold* "Hey! You!" Au, got it. Next element.
@ericsshadow: [anniversary dinner] HER: tell me something that will make my heart race ME: my credit card got declined
@KyleMcDowell86: ME: I need to return this blender WALMART EMPLOYEE: Why? ME:(thinking about how i broke it trying to blend rocks to make sand) "Its haunted"
@AdamWeinstein: "WE HERE AT BIG PHARMA RECOGNIZE THAT WHEN YOU'RE DEPENDENT ON ADDICTIVE OPIOID PAINKILLERS YOUR BIGGEST PROBLEM IS YOU CAN'T POOP"