I picked up good pizza and took it to Little Caesars to show it what happens to bad pizza.
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They say genius skips a generation.In our case it fell off our family tree and died.
i see a little silhouetto of a bug
IT’S A WASP IT’S A WASP
can we close the damn window
[First date]
Her dad: I want her home before midnight
Me: but you already own her home
Dad: *turning to daughter* if you don’t sleep with him, I will
Me checking my bank balance online.
“I don’t want to see the movie until I read the book first” is why I’ve never watched a movie in my life
‘Pardon my French’ -People who you would never pardon and who don’t know any French
Never debate an idiot. Idiots never know when they’ve lost. That’s one of the reasons they’re idiots.
It’s so condescending when self-defense instructors tell you to never go to a second location with your kidnapper, like, sir, do you even understand how a kidnapping works? I’m not trying to go ANYWHERE
Flight Attendant: “Here is the extra blanket you asked for.”
Me: “Thanks. Could you jam it into that guy’s mouth?”
Just because I know that I can fit 150 snakes in my bathtub doesn’t mean I have a plan
My bank balance is a gentle reminder that in a few years my twins will have to battle it out for one college place!
Party hack: Let your guests know it’s time to leave by having your child play a musical instrument.
I’ll be giving free lobotomies behind Denny’s until 9pm to everyone who wants one and doesn’t want one
Yes, dust for fingerprints is exactly what I meant when I asked you to dust the living room, Sherlock Holmes.
Don’t EVER let anyone tell you you’re not worth anything. You can get at least ten grand for one of your kidneys.
A seven nation army could definitely hold me back.
I got picked on in Highschool: I was cut from the football team & failed the cheerleading tryouts on the same day they fired me as principal
*Shovel
*Lye
*GlovesCashier: “Gardening project?”
Me: “Nope”*Bleach
*Duct tape
*Tarp
I love you, but you’re not stepping foot into my home with even a speck of glitter.
Today a guy who lives in his van told me if he didn’t have a girlfriend, he’d ‘for sure’ date me. So at least I have that going for me.
I hate being an adult … I thought it was just a phase.
ME: I wish I had antlers
GENIE: You’d look pretty weird being the only one w/ antlers
M: Fine, I wish everyone had antlers
G: Oka-
M: But my antlers are demonstrably superior
G: You know you can wish for non-antler things
M: *Sees my awful neighbor Carl* I wish his antlers sucked
The hair salon raised prices and now I can either afford a haircut or a recolor, but not both. Every visit is a do-or-dye decision.
*skinny dips into black hole
I took a “Which Disney princess are you?” quiz and I got Jafar.
*after five days of storms with record rainfall remembers to turn off sprinkler system*
*grass dies due to lack of water*
Love is blind but I’m keeping an eye open from now on for you eating all the cookie dough pieces out of my ice cream
I’m so thrilled hockey is starting I could nap
Trebek: This Disney movie starred Elsa & Anna.
Me: Frozen.
Trebek: In the form of a question please.
Me: Do you wanna build a snowman, Alex?
I leave spider carcasses on the wall to make sure the other spiders understand..