The “it’s ok to use ‘disability’ as an insult as long as you’re not using it to insult a person with a physical handicap” logic. #facepalm
You Might Also Like
John Lennon: Here I stand head in hand, Turn my face to the wall—
Me: um, it’s fine if you just count to 20 while we hide
Just because I’m smiling doesn’t necessarily mean that I like you. I might be picturing you on fire.
Rich people in movies apparently can’t drink scotch without telling everyone how old it is.
Nice tan. I’m guessing your mother is white & your father’s a sweet potato?
My 4yr old daughter just charged me $47 for a fake cake she cooked in her pretend oven.
I laughed.
…
She stared at me until I paid her.
You can put a satire warning on whatever you want. People who think Onion stories are real do not know what that word means.
People with no volume control stress me out.
I’m sorry I can’t pay attention to you because I’m literally watching everyone else pay attention to you for this personal conversation. I feel like maybe they should just chime in since they’re probably invested now.
Pulls out flip phone, flips open, stares at screen, closes, clips back to hip.
Phone doesn’t even work; I do it for the ladies on the bus.
You can’t make me jealous. You’re not my friends who send their kids to their grandparents for the summer.
friend: what’s the difference between ignorance and indifference?
me: I don’t know and I don’t care
I NEVER WORE EARPLUGS TO CONCERTS WHEN I WAS IN HIGH SCHOOL AND I TURNED OUT FINE!
It’s amazing how the lowly potato gives us potato chips, french fries, and vodka. Get your shit together, every other vegetable.
I just convinced my toddler to play Rock Paper Scissors alone because she was cheating and she just quit against herself because she was cheating
Her: You’re all sweaty. Where have you been?
*Flash back to an hour long struggle of me trying to separate 2 shopping carts*
Me: The gym.
I took my cat to Build-A-Bear so he could see what’s going to happen to him if he pees on the carpet again.
It took years for my gf to get me to put down the toilet seat. Though, I really don’t know why I was carrying it around in the first place.
When people say NYC apartments are cozy, we mean there’s no room for a freezer to hide a body
Stop being friends with whoever says you can’t twerk to Led Zeppelin.
You don’t need that negativity in your life.
If you never milked a dead horse or got stoned from a turnip you don’t know how to mix metaphors. You buttered your bread, now lie in it.
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: This guy just died in my arms tonight.
911: How did he die?
Me: It must’ve been something I said.
I’d like a progress bar over people’s heads so you can tell if they’re almost finished telling long stories or not.
Comcast Cable acquiring Time Warner Cable is a lot like your proctologist acquiring a bigger finger.
“Are you ready to rock?”
Scissors: no
Me, at a Renaissance Fair: Well actually, that type of staff is inappropriate for the type of wizard you are portraying.
To anyone who thinks they have it harder than me: There is a person in my life who, every time I text them, CALLS ME BACK.
Science can’t explain it, but some hairs can grow up to a quarter inch overnight. Never in a good spot though
[Christmas Party]
*opening my gifts*
Well well well, if it isn’t the festive scarf I gave you 3 Christmases ago
Hello lamppost, whatcha knowin’? I come to watc–
Lamppost: Nice scarf princess.
I cannot afford to get my wife a new Lexus for Christmas so I’ll be tying a red ribbon on a pair of Sketchers and setting them in the driveway.