@MistookMistake: I always carry a flashlight with me. That way, if someone locks me in their car trunk, I can entertain myself with cool shadow puppets.
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@ArfMeasures: WIFE: Don't tell the kids but I threw away those awful pictures they made & stuck on the fridge ME: [sprinting towards the bin] MY ART
@Roweboat13G: Some days you're the Titanic, some days you're the iceberg and some days you're that guy who hit the propeller on the way down.
@bottlerocket: Twitter keeps throwing in "in case you missed it" on my timeline.... I've been on twitter for the last 16 hours, I didnt miss it.