Major Tom: This is Major Tom to Ground Control
I’m stepping through the door
& I’m floating in a most peculiar way
GC: New phone. Who dis?
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ME: We left the kids at their grandparents
FRIEND: Date night?
ME: No we just don’t like them anymore
Me: was your son fed?
Wife: yes.
Me: bathed?
Wife: yes.
Me: in bed on time?
Wife: yes.
Me: so I’m a “bad dad” why?
Wife: his pajamas.
Me: what about them?
Wife: THEY. DON’T. MATCH.
If someone asks if I have time to talk about Jesus I tell them yes but they have to give me an equal amount of time to talk about Ducktales.
Me: I’m going to have a shower
3: I’ll give you two minutes
I’m only 4’11 so don’t forget to look down when reading my tweets
[first day as a detective]
me: you say the suspect—she’s got legs?
zz top: yes sir
me: and she knows how to use them?
zz top: that’s right
me: *into walkie talkie* bring chun-li in for questioning
[as i’m getting buried alive by a serial killer] wait stop who’s gonna feed my tamagotchis
gargoyle: I’m not feeling well, omg *blarfgh!!!
The lottery gives you about a 1 in 200 million chance you won’t be going to work tomorrow. Alcohol will give you a 1 in 5. #PowerballFever
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years. I went on you-tube to watch just one video.
I taught my 4yo niece to play poker today. It got pretty cutthroat, & I’m now the proud owner of a Barbie Dream house & her entire Hatchimal collection.
12 was not amused when I made the comment of how good ‘we’ did on candy tonight
Hot sauce has plenty of vitamin C! *slaps orange out of hand
At this point, HBO knows we’d watch any dragon show. Like: The King needs an heir to the throne that unites the 7 pillars of sanctity across the river of Borjovia, but encounters a dragon from Mt Draco that needs crystal fire blessed by the monks that own the local kebab shop.
*Inspirational Tweets*
Australia’s reputation for dangerous wildlife is exaggerated.
Statistics show that 43% of Australians actually escape being eaten and survive to adulthood.
If two people on opposite sides of the world drop a piece of bread on the ground at the same time the Earth briefly becomes a sandwich
“When you fall in love it burns and you die, right?”
Yes, son. Love is terrible.
“No Mom, I said LAVA.”
Oh. You maybe can survive that one.
The easiest way to find out if a movie is on Netflix is to simply ask yourself “do I want to see it?” If you do, it’s not on Netflix.
I’m young, but not “know exactly why I came into this room” young.
Elections?Vote for pizza. Throw the pizza slice in the envelope. Not all of it silly! Just a little corner will do. Eat the rest. As usual
fully vaccinated and about to show the geese in this parking lot who’s boss
Hello Dragons I have a new invention called a “Tarp”
Dragons: what does it do?
Well you use it to keep something dry for like a couple hours then you fold it up for 2 and a half years.
Dragons: is there a spider in it when you use it next?
There are hundreds.
A broken heart won’t kill you, but it can make you feel like dying.
Why would I want to fund a crowd?
My son challenged my wife & I to a game of hide-and-seek. We took off for the weekend and left him some food. In your face, loser!
Are you dating a bunch of bees?
[shopping]
May I help you find something?
“Where are the giants?“
What?
“Your sign outside says there’s a giant sale.“
[Afterlife]
Bird 1: All he had was one rock.
Bird 2: His aim was perfection.
waiter: do you have any allergies?
me: latex
waiter: I mean is there anything you can’t eat
me: airplanes