I always carry a jar gripper with me in case I’m ever stranded on a deserted island with a jar of salsa. I also always carry a jar of salsa.
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cw: (hanging up the phone) never get married.
me: why?
cw: that was my husband. he called to tell me about the gold panning kit he just bought on amazon.
4 thinks the lead singer of Queen was Freddie Macaroni and he won’t be taking any further questions on this
babe what’s wrong you’ve barely touched any of your triceramisu
I’m starting to suspect that maybe 2020 was not the reason for my problems.
if you’re reading my tweets and judging me by my typos I just want you to know, yes, english is my first language
facebook is down where are we gonna keep all of our faces
“Did you just elect a pope in there?” he asked as the vape cloud billowed from her car window.
Waiter: Here is your salmon.
Me: I didn’t order this
Waiter: it’s from the gentleman at the bar
*I look over at the bar and a grizzly bear winks and lifts his glass*
Emotions? No thanks. I’m trying to cut down.
My kid asked for help with her report but if I did it for her she won’t learn! So I showed how to google, change name, & print on her own.
HR: for the last time, stop using air quotes when referring to your boss
Me: “ok”
Flight attendant: Can I get you something to drink?
Me: What kind of gravy do you have?
Fun fact: if you play Hotel California backwards, and slowed down 30bpm, there’s a fantastic hidden quiche recipe
Yelling at a dog to stop barking doesn’t work because the dog just goes “Cool, now we’re both barking!”
I’m having an out of money experience.
Want to know what I want with you? It starts with S, has an E in it and I want lots of it
Space.
Me: Accept your flaws. You’ll feel better. It worked for me.
Her: You accepted your flaws?
Me: No. I accepted your flaws.
If I was a marriage counselor, I’d just make the couple log on to any dating app for 2 min.
It was difficult as a kid raising two parents on my own.
DATE: you smell so nice – what are you wearing?
ME: Febreeze
Pillow 1: I hate their big heads
Pillow 2: And that dandruff
Pillow 1: Sometimes he puts me between his legs
Pillow 2: GROSS*Pillow Talk
There’s a lot of strange facts in this world if you think about it. For example, some people like when there’s pulp in their orange juice.
Today, I shall mostly be drawing little moustaches and monocles on all the spermatozoa in the biology textbooks at the library.
I can’t undo my mistakes. All I can do is make more mistakes and hope the original one gets diluted.
When you’re Kinky but poor
Ladies,
Please stop answering our questions with “yes, of course”. All you’re doing is forcing us to nod our heads like we knew that.
Men
So I put one (1) ancient mummified corpse in a tub of water to see if it would rehydrate into a zombie, and now I’m some kind of weirdo? OK, whatever. Halloween is gonna suck this year, and that’s on you.
Has anyone actually seen a dog eat homework?
A treadmill is just an expensive version of the ground
Me: hey babe I got you something!
Wife: [from other room] it better not be that $400 LEGO Harry Potter Hogwarts Castle I told you not to buy.
Me: [clicking in the last brick to the $399 LEGO Harry Potter Hogwarts Castle] no it’s something different.