@JessicaVarsity: I always carry a lighter in case I end up at an impromptu concert...or need to set someone's house on fire. Either way, I'm prepared.
YOU MIGHT ALSO LIKE
@stephenjmolloy: Cop: "We'll catch the guy who murdered your husband." Tina: "My husband was murdered?!" Cop: "Shit! Sorry... I have some bad news..."
@1followernodad: When you're checking for murderers in your house, don't just yell out "hello!" that gives them the upper hand. Yell, "YOU AINT SHIT!"
@alldrolledup: It has come to my attention that some of you are eating the bottom half of cupcakes. That is the peel, people. Know your fruit.