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4: mom can I sing just a short song?
me: yes
4: ok its only just three hours long I promise
narrator: it was in fact, only just three hours long
“Why do birds suddenly appear?”
To shit on my newly washed car, that’s why.
Guy: What do you do?
Me: I tell jokes on Twitter
G:No, I mean, what do you do to support yourself?
Me: I tell myself that they’re good jokes
[Surgery]
Anaestheologist: “Count back from 100, please.”
Me: “100, …, um…, …, uh…”
Anaestheologist: “OK. He’s out!”
*Surgeon starts sawing off leg
*I hold in the pain to disguise the embarrassment over my innumeracy
*waving arms wildly* holy shit whose arms are these?!
911,What’s your emergency?
Me: I think it’s a heart attack
911: Can you call back when you’re sure, we’re watching Walking Dead
Your car will never make that noise for the mechanic. Your car is like “That’s our special noise. I only make that noise for you.”
How did the date go?
-Not good.
Aww what went wrong?
-*thinks back to accidentally popping a zit into her soup* She just wasn’t my type.
Picks up a package of hotdogs that are oozing grey liquid
Me: these say they have another week
*throws them in the cart*
Hobby Lobby and Chick-Fil-A have one thing in common: I never go there.
“Here’s the problem… You’ve got a Pokémon up there”
– me, as a proctologist
Him: This is the best sand castle I’ve ever built!
Her: We’re gonna die in this desert aren’t we?
OH NO I DROPPED MY THERAPY HOT DOG
why are they throwing soup at paintings when my mouth is right here
the michael jackson of crabs impressing all his friends by walking smoothly forwards
2001 A Space Odyssey 2
The spaceship returns
HAL is just as uncooperative as ever.
He never works.
He becomes the basis for Windows 10.
The older you are the more you will get dead, so let’s all remember to stay alive, ok?
—my 6 year old spreading cheer at thanksgiving dinner
Why is judge the only job where you can bang a little hammer to make people shut up I’ve needed that in literally every job I’ve had
just a good, friendly, light-hearted conversation that for some reason charmin initiated with me
“and this blood shall be called A+”
all the other blood types: “k wow we’re like right here”
People always say reading romance novels will ruin dating for you like it’s a bad thing
Her: You’re so possessive.
Apostrophe: Only sometimes, Brenda.
Food shopping after I’ve eaten:
“That’ll be $56.93.”Food shopping when I’m hungry:
“That be $1,432.68. Do you need someone to assist you with your cart train?”
I have complicated opinions on the death penalty. I think it’s wrong but I also think that owners of cash-only establishments should get it.
At school, Scooby-Doo excelled at the three Rs – biology, Spanish and geography.
Zoom / MS Teams calls are the best places to see miracles happening.
Someone gets disconnected and everyone pronounces, ‘I think we lost her.’
Then they rejoin and say, ‘Hey, I’m back.’
If you’re reading this, congratulations on not being raptured. Im glad you’re still here.
I saw a guy drink a coke in the store and pay for it later, but I’d barely gotten the cork out of this wine bottle before the manager confronted me.
Baby I’m gonna rock your world but first give me an hour and a half to get these skinny jeans off
I smiled and waved at my neighbour so I bet the first thing she’ll do today is buy bedroom curtains.