I always carry a megaphone in my purse, in case I wander off and get lost at Costco.
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Boss: “Do you have a Twitter account?”
Me: “Umm… Yo no hablo inglès.”
Boss: “Tienes una cuenta de Twitter?”
Me: *fakes a seizure*
Babies have little hands and odd sleep schedules which is why my gym for buff infants has miniature equipment and stays open 24hrs.
My kid got invited to a birthday party and I don’t like that kid’s mom so I bought a musical instrument set that includes a drum, a recorder, and a harmonica. I’ll see you in hell, Bethany.
Skyped my dad today and had a great conversation with his forehead and nose hairs…
4 years single just means I have a bachelor’s degree in being alone
me: an artist’s work is never truly appreciated until after their death.
subway sandwich artist: please, sir, i have a family.
Nighttime is not for sleeping. It is for eating all the chocolate chips out of trail mix while thinking of every possible outcome for a situation you can’t control.
If I could travel back in time to change anything I would go back 15 minutes and stop myself from agreeing to play with my toddler.
Apparently I need to go on a diet if I want to have room in my pockets for snacks. Why is life so hard?
I hate it when people go round quoting the bible. I haven’t even read it yet, but somehow folks think it’s cool to give key plot points away
Pundit being interviewed on the BBC re Windsor Castle: “The Queen and Prince Philip would be here when they weren’t elsewhere.” And you can’t argue with that.
Christmas day for delusional middle aged men who live online
*During sex*
Wife – *looking up* I thought I asked you to dust the ceiling fan.
Can’t afford the chiropractor so I’m just going to lay down in the road and hope for the best.
me, in the confessional: well, i guess my biggest fear in life is getting myself into a situation where i have to fight a small monkey in front of a crowd of gamblers.
the priest: is there another religion you can join?
When the aliens decide to show up from whatever other dimension they are really from, can they please return all my lost socks and bobby pins, thaanks.
first date idea: unlock and switch phones with the other person for exactly 2 minutes and if no one is horrified then the date continues
70 percent of marriage after having kids is trying to keep the spark alive, even though that spark might want to sign a DNR.
[God creating the octopus]
Idk, maybe make it look like the time I tried to cram the old pool noddles into a trash bag.
Marriage vows should include “I will be super annoyed with you any time you come down with a cold”
One job requirement for a substitute bus driver is being able to navigate with directions given by 4th graders.
Too bad we can’t get paid for our funny tweets. I could probably make about $10.
How did you spend your dinner break, Jamie? Just drawing a reverse centaur so everyone can see how horrible they are
Just unzipped skirt and my real stomach poured out. Exercise my sister says but life is too short to be running when nothing is pursuing you
This is my favorite Twitter interaction ever.
Me: what do you call an insect that used to work for a rideshare company?
Her: don’t
Me: exuberant
Her: what is the opposite of a crime of passion
I tell people I rearrange my furniture to change things up, but we all know it’s to annoy my husband
(at the gym). Hey can somebody spot me while I walk up the stairs?
Back to the gym after a lengthy hiatus and noticed they made everything heavier, weird