I always carry a megaphone in my purse, in case I wander off and get lost at Costco.
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oh you love me? name every curb i’ve ever hit while driving
Before you get paranoid about the lack of people interacting with you on twitter, remember Jesus only had 12 followers in his day, and look at him now.
Airlines need to freakin’ make up their mind abt the temp of the plane once n for all.
1st flight was so freakin’ cold, I could see my soda freeze as I was drinking it n now the 2nd one is throwing so much hot air like I wanna lie naked rn!!!
#travelling
#AmericanAirlines
*hands cashier chihuahua*
“One waffle cone, please.”
*still laughing at a real estate ad I saw yesterday for a beautiful farmhouse “off the beating path”*
In my day, Frozen 2 would’ve been released directly to VHS with a new Olaf who sounds weird, and we would’ve been GRATEFUL.
I feel like having your carriage robbed at swordpoint by a dashing rogue who takes your ring (but you know he’s intrigued by you and will return it later in some intimate way, so you don’t protest TOO much) is a vastly superior method of meeting men as opposed to online dating.
Tell me a story and include details but not too many details like I don’t need to know about a suspicious mole
For somebody who ate their twin in utero I sure am a fussy eater
*watches a movie with you*
*loudly beeps during all the good parts*
Sorry my ringtone of NSYNC’s Bye Bye Bye went off during the funeral
Whenever my turd splashes loudly in a restroom stall I play the sound of a baby crying on my phone and yell “it’s a boy!”.
wife *sees chair* [thinking] That would look great with the new rug in the living room
me *sees chair* [thinking] Chair
Girl, are you Chernobyl? Because you warm me to the core and leave me glowing. Also I think you’ve killed some people.
My toddler has just learned how to say her brother’s name. So now she keeps repeating his name over and over, which is driving him absolutely crazy. I have to admit that I’m kinda enjoying it though. Better him than me!
every time i go to karaoke i tell myself ok. you are not a good singer. no need to be a hero. and then one and a half beers in im like “i am gonna do Video Games by Lana Del Rey so good i end war”
My wife yelled out in the hallway, there’s a severe thunderstorm warning now …. I could barely hear her way back in this closet with my cat.
Friday, Friday, all gonna die next Friday. Everybody’s gettin’ ready for the world’s end. Gotta make My mind up: Which souls should I take?
Am I smarter than a 5th grader?
…No. Probably not.BUT, am I funnier than a 5th grader?
…Also no.BUT, BUT could I win in an arm wrestling match against a 5th grader?
…I don’t wanna play this game anymore.
My husband and I have reached the age that neither of us will get up to investigate even the strangest of noises.
What the world needs now is
a. love
b. sweet love
c. a category in IMDB that gives you a visual height comparison by actor for a given cast in a show
Dentist offices are the last frontier of businesses that are allowed to be one weird old guy boss and a hundred hot girl employees
This kid will have a bright future.
Welcome to parenthood. Your safe word is now, “What’sthatnoiseohnothekidsareawake!”
Me asking everyone how they like their burger before I cook them all exactly the same
Why does my computer always ask me if I’m “sure” about stuff? Yes, I want to delete my hard drive.
[High school reunion]
Person: “Are you wearing the same clothes you wore on our last day of school?”
Me: “You told me to never change.”
Ways cats are like toddlers:
– They love unrolling toilet paper
– They eat from cat bowls
– They suck at doing my taxes
– Somehow they always find their way on top of the fridge
Me: *does activity with the kids*
Kids: mummy this is so boring can we watch tvHusband: *does same activity with the kids the next day*
Kids: THIS IS THE MOST FUN WE’VE EVER HAD IN OUR WHOLE LIVES
And then I go and spoil it all by saying something stupid like – Never just be yourself. There’s something wrong with you.