[hijacking a hot-air balloon] i have scissors
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Writes “He owed me $50” in funeral guest book.
absolutely disgusting that we as a society are still okay with people making hats out of cowboys
Some parents are blessed with amazing kids and others have kids that decide to learn the trumpet.
“This won’t end well, mark my words.
Mark, my words.
MARK.
MY WORDS! I NEED MY WORDS, MARK!!!”*Mark sweatily fumbles with the script*
ME: I always get so nervous on flights. Like I know it’s supposed to be safe, but I just don’t understand how something so heavy can stay in the air, you know?
CO-PILOT: The speaker’s still on, Captain.
What’s a moderation, and how do I drink in one?
“First gay marriage. What’s next – people marrying dogs?!”
*nervous glance at dog
Dog: Frank, we’ve been over this. I like you as a friend
Never marry a girl whose mother’s name is Hope…. because ‘Hope’ never dies.
An hour of interrogation later and the cat still has not revealed the location of the 4 missing puzzle pieces
[Invention of Tennis]
“…and you just try to hit it back to me”
Wow, that’s really simple
“Yeah, I wanted it to be very straightforward”
For sure that’s the best part about it
“Uncomplicated, you know what I mean?”
Exactly! No weird stuff
“Yeah”
So how do you keep score?
Mary had a little lamb
with pita and tzatziki
She said “this gyro is my jam
and I’m feeling kinda sneaky.”So she slipped out
and didn’t pay.
The guy said
“I’ll be damned.”
So he called the cops.
They’re on the way.
Now Mary’s on the lam!
Lmaooo she has seen it all😭😭😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
“Can I buy you a drink?”
“I’d rather just have the money”
Me: How long should I roast asparagus in the oven?
Food Blogger: Wondering how long to roast asparagus? C’mere! I’ve got your answer!
Me: Cool! Thank-
Food Blogger: I was born on a farm in Tennessee. My father was an angry man with 3 fingers on each hand. A war injury…
My daughter has decided she loves giving “massages”, or as I like to call them, “tests of mom’s pain tolerance”
Guys who resent their friends for not sharing their hair products are gel less.
[office]
Me: Happy Black Friday!
Latisha: …
Me: I made a cake!
Latisha: …
Me: …
Latisha: …
Me: …
Latisha: …
Me: It’s chocolate.
My son was at his blacksmithing camp yesterday. He came home with a knife “forged in the dark of an eclipse.”
I am so proud.
Restaurant bathrooms are really, really dangerous.
So many of my 1st dates have gone to use them and vanished.
[Frat party]
Everybody: CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG-
CHUCK: {walking into the room} ME ME ME- oh.
Tell me and I forget, teach me and I remember… involve me and we got a problem
9: What did that message on the TV say
Me: It said, the film has been modified to fit our screen
9: How do they know what size TV we have?
so unrealistic when scary movies show an empty rocking chair rocking back and forth. there should be a pile of laundry on it
I’m getting genuinely concerned about the declining literacy rate.
Sometimes I hide condiments from my husband by moving them 3 inches to the left.
Ironically, it’s my humility that makes me so much better than everyone else.
If Scientists invent a pill to make us immortal, I guarantee I’d choke to death swallowing it.
lost boys: how’d the prank on captain hook go?
peter pan: oh you guys are gonna love this HAHA I cut off his hand LOL and i FED IT TO THE CROCODILE 🙂
lost boys:
peter pan: so funny
lost boys: you’re a sociopath
“It says on your profile you’re part of an orchestra? What instrument do you play?”
“Gun”