Someone tried to abduct me today by sloppily painting “taco truck” on the side of a windowless van.
There were no tacos in there. Please send help.
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I put sea salt on my seafood, so they can be reunited. Because I like happy endings.
Anytime someone loses something in the office HR doesn’t ask if anyone’s seen it, they just send out an email that says “Give it back Josh”
Watched The Little Mermaid with my girl last night & realized that Aerial could be on an episode of Hoarders. : /
Can someone Venmo me $74,000?
I’ll take you camping.
My daughter’s main food groups are pancakes, watermelon, cheese, and her mother’s patience.
Autocorrect changed ‘spice things up’ to ‘slice things up’ and now my husband won’t come to bed.
Thanks for warning me to be careful after I slipped & fell. I’ll be sure to wish you luck on your lab test results at your funeral.
What do you call a priest that graduated from law school
Father in Law
i took my metal detector to the beach and found a huge slayer concert
On a phone appointment with my doctor and may have answered the “Are you currently sexually active?” question with “I’M TRYING, OKAY?”
I tell you, it’s so hot out here I saw a bird blowing on a worm before he ate it.
911: What is your emergency.
M: I need to report a home invasion. This woman looks like my mother in law but she’s smiling. Please hurry.
Guard: Sorry, no dogs
Man: But it’s a guide dog
Guard: Oh, ok
Guide Dog: And if you look to your left you’ll notice an insensitive jerk
So you think the sloth is the slowest land mammal in the world? Let me introduce you to my 4 year old when he needs to get ready for bed
[at the movies]
me: thank god it’s over
her: I was going to say the same thing haha that’s a relief. I get the dog
Good vacation so far, aside from the faceless man telling us “You will never leave this island.”
cow: [feeling sick] i have four stomachaches
33, Male, Jerusalem. You?
[Bank]
COP: [through megaphone] LET ONE OF THE HOSTAGES GO
ROBBER: Okay, who wants out?
ME: [spinning on bosses chair] I’m comfortable.
if I were the world, I would simply stop being on the verge of apocalypse
“I Spy” is the easiest game to win at cause you can just keep being like “nope that’s not it”
More like “science UN-fair”
*I walk away in slo-mo. The building explodes with baking soda lava*
*I roll a smoke with my 2nd place ribbon
When I was a kid I thought shrimp cocktails had alcohol in them and I thought it was such a weird way to get drunk
My childless friend told me how easy parenting is so I went over at 0500 with fingerpaints and my toddler. We’ve been listening to Baby Bum nonstop, there’s food on the walls and every time she goes to the bathroom, we bust in to tell her all the words that rhyme with “poop”
You: Be kind. Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Me, wearing a shirt that says “I am battling the moon and it is not a secret”: Ok.
Lets all Twittercide at the same time & not tell a Will Smith parody account, 1 dog account, & all the zombie people just to freak him out.
Whenever I seductively unbutton my pants, I always maintain full eye contact with the waiter so he knows I want more table bread.
When I was younger, I was so stupid,
I made bad decisions that will haunt
me for the rest of my life.And by “younger” I mean yesterday.
sex is great & all.. but have you ever successfully poured liquid from one cup into another WITHOUT spilling it?
Baby detective: These stab wounds here, they-
*coroner covers the body with a sheet*
Baby: OH MY GOD. THE BODY! ITS GONE! WHERE DID IT GO