GOD: Done.
ANGEL: What is it?
GOD: A penguin.
ANGEL: So it can fly, right?
GOD: This one’s a swimmin’ bird.
ANGEL: Dude… are you ok?
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[throws milk at cows]
go be with your family
Motherhood is when your child looks like a sparkling cherub and you look like a steaming pile of nope.
The quickest way to get your kid to do their homework is to ask them to help with some chores
People who ignore me just haven’t learned to make the best of a bad situation.
SCHRÖDINGER: *Kneels down* Hey buddy, so… I have some news about your cat.
SON: Is it good news or bad news?
SCHRÖDINGER: Yes.
How about a meat that is also a dental floss? – Pitch for prosciutto
I was actually doing so well until your email found me.
I lick all the grapes at the grocery store. It’s romantic. Some stranger is going home with my kisses on their grapes.
cashier, scanning alcohol: ID please
my dad, every single time: [pointing to me] here’s my ID. heh
I don’t know you well so I’m sorry I called you a dink and not the more formal dinkus.
my bf dealing with his cats is so funny… they just started fighting and i heard him go “stop it! Did you really think that would solve the conflict?!” Like i bet they were so embarrassed
[consoling widow] I was the one who put the kick me sign on your husband. I had no idea you owned a horse that can read
me: I know we’ve only been together a short time, but I made you a mixed tape
kidnapper: 😳
People who hate candy corn love telling you.
Me, hands in the air: woo! SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS.
My doctor: *rips up prescription she just wrote for codeine cough syrup
Joe: Okay so we sneak in one night around February, steal his shoes
Obama: Joe
Joe: And then dump legos all over the floor
“Don’t wind up the dog, he’ll be annoying”
Me:
Canadians: Maybe they’re born with it, maybe it’s maple leaf.
A sweet potato is just a regular potato that thinks that dress of yours is to die for
Me: it’s almost like if someone is interested in me I instinctively run away
Therapist: that’s interesting
Me: ok you seem nice but I gotta go
7: My teacher gave me a Christmas card but it’s cursed
Me: That… seems strange
7: That’s how they used to write in the olden days
Some girls look like they’ve barely broken a sweat after hot yoga while I look like a tomato that’s been doused by a fire hose.
me: can i buy u a drink
girl: ladies drink free tonight, idiot
me:
girl:
me: can u buy me a drink
Friend: How long till school starts?
Me: 8 days, 13 hours, 26 mins, 14 secs.
My mother-in-law threatened me the other day and when I say threatened, I mean she told me that she was going to live until she was 100 years old
[at the altar]
*leans in for a kiss*Priest: the bride, sir
[hell]
me: wow it’s hot down hereguy: ya but it’s a dry heat
me: i totally get why you’re here
I’ve got these gifted children and I want to know how long it is before I can re-gift them.
I’m famous people used to have talent years old.
Vacations in your single 20s: backpacking Europe, hiking a Hawaiian volcano, relaxing poolside in St Croix with a book & a cocktail
Vacations in your 40s with kids: WHY IS SAND ON EVERYTHING, STOP FIGHTING, NO DESSERT FOR YOU, WE’RE ALL GOING TO BED EARLY