@WheelTod: I always carry a pocket knife, because I never know when I'll need to slice open a pocket.
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@_davidlucas_: The best part of Halloween is all the Jehovah's Witnesses wondering why they're being given candy.
@Nikkeya08: Mom 1: My son's gonna be a pro baseball player Mom 2: Mines gonna be a doctor Me: My son shows strong signs of being able to escape prison
@WilliamAder: Co-worker playfully snapped my suspenders and now everyone in the office knows my safe word.