I always carry a pocket knife, because I never know when I’ll need to slice open a pocket.
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The whole “limiting myself to one glass of wine a day” thing is going really great. I’m like 5 years ahead of schedule.
Bohemian Rhapsody should be an official unit of measure.
“I can shower in 1 Bohemian Rhapsody.”
“Ran a 5K in under 6 Bohemian Rhapsodies.”
Cigarette: Hey buddy.
Me: I don’t smoke anymore.
Cigarette: But buddy.
Me: NO.
Cigarette: Buddy?
Me: You do make a good point. Fine.
me: why’d you pull me over?
cop: I think you know why
me: it’s my eyes isn’t it
cop: …
me: *sigh* they’re hazel
cop: so mysterious
Changing your mind can be a sign of strength. Like when I swear to tell the truth but then a prosecutor asks me a question & I decide not to
I’d be so pissed if my coworker left for American Idol and I had to cover for them plus act happy.
the amazon drone struggles to stay in the air & nearly takes out a police helicopter as it makes its way to my house carrying 45 pounds of mustard
Me: I told you to pick up your clothes off the floor.
11-year-old: I did.
Me: They’re still on the floor.
11: Those are new clothes. I picked up the old ones
If People Rode Dinosaurs Instead of Walked.
SURE IF YOU LIVE IN THE WOODS THERE IS A NON-ZERO CHANCE YOU WILL BE TORN APART BY SOMETHING BIGGER THAN YOU BUT I CAN GUARANTEE YOU WILL NEVER HAVE TO HEAR ABOUT PODCASTS AGAIN
One day I’m gonna plug my guitar into this elevator and just see what happens
huge valentines day plans this year!!
[2000 years ago]
jesus: merry christmas
stranger: what?
jesus: just say it back i’m trying to start a thing
Kids be like mom look at me when you’re driving 70 mph on the freeway.
[I try photo shopping abs on me but i accidentally make my head four times normal size]
We have guests, go get the fancy cups.
I don’t eat some foods.
-vagueans
Friend: How could lingerie ruin a romantic night?
Me: He fell asleep waiting for me to put it on. Never buy lingerie at IKEA.
Arthur just couldn’t quite get used to working from home.
Instead of smiling and nodding through a conversation, try clapping and nodding. People will stop talking to you.
Stop screaming! I thought you’d appreciate having someone to pass you a towel when you got out of the shower
Hubs: * Hands me a broom* Make yourself useful
Me: Flies away
Who called it the milk crate challenge and not broke back mountain
ME: I got us a custom headstone!
WIFE: I’m not being immortalized in one of your dumb jokes
ME: Just read it
WIFE: “Tomb it may concern…”
*Me presenting a life sized cardboard cutout of Keanu Reeves wearing a beret
Architecture Board: That’s not at all what “Neo-French” means…
Maybe OCD could pick up a mop once in a while
imagine my surprise when i learned the word “briefly” does not, in fact, mean “underwearly”
On average I spend about $80 a year to watch bananas turn brown.
I’m just a guy standing in a Starbucks line, thinking I could’ve milked a cow and grown my own coffee beans faster than this shit.
The two places we often associate with the word ‘committed’ are in reference to insane asylums, and murder.
No surprise that a third place is with relationships.