@WheelTod: I always carry a pocket knife, because I never know when I'll need to slice open a pocket.
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@ParentNormal: 3yo: I want to help! Me: You can help by being quiet. 3yo: Me: 3yo: I want to help in a different way!!!
@AimeeHelene1: The best call ever would be "Hey, it's me!", but from your dog... Because: 1. Aww your dog's calling you 2. Holy shit your dog can talk!!
@dafloydsta: [marriage counseling] She thinks I make bad decisions "He hired a clown for my nana's funeral" PEOPLE NEEDED CHEERING UP, KAREN
@PariCalvia: That moment when you leave a store but don't buy anything, and you're telling yourself, "act natural, you're innocent."