Me: (sees turtle) goddamnit I envy your affordable housing.
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Whenever I meet a new baby, I stand still and let it come up to me and smell my hand first before I try to pet it
I’m the sort of person you can bring home to meet your parents, if you’re looking to be written out of their will.
*hears dogs bark*
“I’ve been caught stealing
once when I was 5.”
[on my deathbed]
Me: Where…*cough* where is your father?
Kids: *crying by my side* being consoled by your girlfriends.
Me: I’M UP!!!
I have milk and eggs for breakfast, I just have them in the form of a cookie
The beauty industry:
For men: This can be used as a shampoo, body wash, face wash, lotion, mouth wash, tooth paste, engine degreaser, spackle, or sunscreen
For women: We’ve specially formulated this moisturizer for your left elbow
Not gonna elaborate, but I just found out the hard way that the phrase isn’t “self defecating humour”
The police never think its as funny as you do.
I got a spam email telling me my online reputation needs some work. And, now I want to know which one of you has been running your mouth.
what’s a good synonym for “experienced” to use in an overview summary on a resume? i tried “jaded” and apparently that’s not what employers are looking for
3: Can I be Cinderella?
Me: Sure, you can help me mop the floors, scrub the toilets and the dishes need to be put away.
3:
Me: Well?
3: Can I be Sleeping Beauty?
Friend: what are u doing
Me: training my pet rock
Friend: that’s dumb
Pet Rock: *leaps from my hand & hits him in the face*
Me: no rocky, no
intermittent fasting? i just slept 7 hours without a snack what more do you want from me?
*sees cute baby*
Everyone: omg I want oneMy ovaries, taking a drag of a cigarette: ya’ll hear something?
I went to the feed store for dog food and came back with 5 baby chickens.
I shouldn’t be allowed to have grownup money
H: Well, the remote was definitely broken, so I went and bought a new one.
Me:
H: Oh, and it came with this 75″ television.
Had a guy compliment me on my neck…
hmm..
So on a hunky vampire scale from “Twilight” to “The Lost Boys”, how freaky is this about to get?
Me: the vacuum broke
Husband: that sucks
Me: no it doesn’t
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: I bet it was to compliment my excellent driving. You’re so sweet to give me positive reinforcement. Bye now. *drives off*
WIFE: Not your eyes! You dont have to prove it anymore
GUY WHO CLAIMS HE PUTS HOT SAUCE ON EVERYTHING: *thru tears* I made a commitment babe
Finding the smoke alarm with the dying battery is just the adult version of Marco Polo.
I don’t always have time to exercise. But when I do…I don’t.
[Grocery store checkout]
Me: *cracks open a beer*
Manager: Sir, you can’t do that in here
Me: It’s ok, I’m gonna pay for this
Manager: No, I mean the pony. You can’t ride a pony in here
My guide to NyQuil:
Name brand red: no horse in your head
Store brand green: a horse will be seen
Do you think I can get a new ringtone on this ankle monitor?
Why bother drinking water? You’re just gonna pee it out. This is what Big Water doesn’t want you to know.
Steven: I love you
Stephen: I lophe you too
Me: You should be nicer to me. You’ll never have another dad.
5-year-old: Don’t be so sure. Mom is pretty.
Crime tip: commit all your crimes in space NASA is not the space police there are no laws up there you will not go to jail
What do you mean you come from a dysfunctional background?
“Well my mom is a compulsive hoar-“
*gasp*
“-der. Wait, what did you think I was going to say?”
Sorry, I get easily distracted