I’m being forced to attend a family dinner tonight at a priest’s house…
There’s no such thing as a surprise exorcism, right?
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My 5 year old brother said “when I’m older I won’t have a GF, I’ll live on my own like my big brother”
YEAH CAUSE THAT’S TOTALLY A CHOICE
I’m not saying your perfume is too strong. I’m just saying the canary was alive before you got here.
Me: *being patted down* I can explain
Cop: *holding several ziplock bags filled with cheeto dust I had down my pants* this isn’t illegal but I’m listening
Umbrage is like regular brage, but um…
My favorite Facebook tradition is when women wish another woman happy birthday by posting a picture together from their wedding. Like happy birthday but this is still all about me.
I will do some shady shit for a mocha.
Thank goodness I have DoorDash for that!
If I committed a crime I would simply not leave behind slides with my hair and clothing fibers
[watching video of an amazing feat]
Age 20: i could do that
Age 30: he’s amazing
Age 40: doesn’t that guy work
There’s this guy at work who’s giving his wife a gym membership & a vegetable juicer for her birthday tomorrow.
His name was Tom.
Once while eating bacon I said I was “getting piggy with it” and now I have no friends.
HR: You know why you’re here?
Me: So we can be alone?
HR: Your new nickname is a problem.
Me: We all have them.
HR: Yes, but Sperminator?
*Arrives at airport checkin*
Me: I’ve never been to the rainforest. I’m really excited!
-Ticket please
Me: [Hands her Amazon Gift Card]
I will never understand the people who wait in a long line, finally arrive at the register and then act like they’ve been caught off guard by the requirement that they produce some form of currency for their purchase.
My neighbor told me I should start living my dreams so I had sex with his wife
I believe this with my whole heart 💀🪦
[giving eulogy for friend i let borrow my jacket] ill tell you what i miss most
[calling in sick]
me: the doctor told me to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal size one
Imitation is the sincerest form of crabmeat.
if u watch thamksgiving backwards its about a angry family yeling at each other then the uncle says something racist and everyone calms down
So did you have a nice,relaxing holiday asked the all people without three kids
One of the toughest things about being single is not having anyone around to nag you to buy new underwear.
deeply unfair of people to assume I have my life together just because I’m boring
The heels stay on during sex because I only painted the toe nails that were showing.
“Maybe she’s born with it, but most likely she botched it at home” should be my slogan when I color my own hair.
Welcome to your 50’s.
I thought I saw a werewolf in my bathroom this morning then realized I forgot to pluck that one crazy chin hair.
Happy Halloween!
My boss: you seem distracted today…
Me: sure, I’ll get that for you asap.
my kid: I’m so hungry, I’ve never been hungrier, I could eat a horse, no wait I could eat a house, I need food right now
me: ok what do you want
my kid: you have to guess
Standing at life’s crossroads: embarking on a master’s degree in business economics or getting a neck tattoo. Both equally boost employability in today’s market.
What if the Daleks start eating an apple a day
[Guy on street handing out free fake moustaches]
Me: how many am I allowed
Guy: just one
Me: we’ll see